I feel like be overtly candid about something. I am actually uneasy sharing my life with others when I have been emotionally and spiritually kicked and beaten. To incorporate some lyrics: Words are weapons, sharper than knives.
So, like a lyricist, I am not afraid to put myself into my music. But in doing so, I open myself up to negativity that other people avoid. Yet, I can’t help but write what I feel and experience, pouring myself into my own style of poetry, even when in prose.
February 2013 was a month marked by some major events. Things that had me scratching my head. I was learning how to pray intently to God. I was learning how to let God lead my life. Things very different from what I had been taught. I was nervous. I was uncertain.
But I did the best I could to follow God’s lead. Part of that leading was learning the scriptural and spiritual permission for a man to have two wives. That led me to have correspondence with a lady about marriage. My reader may recall that my correspondence did not end on the most positive of notes.
I sent correspondence. It was not welcomed. As I said somewhere else, that reaction surprised me. Maybe it shouldn’t have, but it did.
In light of that event, I am surprised to read my February 10, 2013 journal entry. Until I was going back through this, I had forgotten all about it.
I wrote in my journal:
I woke up about 3.00am and while [up], I was told to stay up and pray. I asked [in prayer] if I could lay down on my bed to pray and was not permitted, so I sat at the table and prayed until about 3.30am.
I began praying: Baruch Atah Adonai Elohenu Melech HaOlam [meaning] blessed are you LORD my God, creator of the universe who has truly permitted communion with you in prayer.
I prayed about myself, Mary, [my children, a friend] and then I heard in my spirit “Tell me about [that lady].”
So, I spoke about [her], how much I would like to have her at my side, to be one with her.
While praying I was asked [in my spirit] “How long would you fast for [her]?”
And I answered saying “I don’t know. I will have to meditate and give you an answer.” I answered that way because there are so many ways to fast. But really how much fasting can one do for a life? Fast until one’s own death?
Shortly thereafter, I heard [in my spirit] “How much would I give for [her]?”
I immediately wept, because I have given everything to God and Messiah. I said “I have given you everything, but if I had two lives, I would give the first for Mary and the second for [her].” And I just continued to weep, not upset, but realizing that I truly have nothing to offer God and/or Messiah for [her]…”
Once I answered the [second] question… I heard [in my spirit] “You may go back to bed.”
I turned on the light to record some thoughts, Mary opened the door, and we talked. God truly has amazing ways for blessing me.
As I look back on this, I guess I hadn’t realized how many years I have been awakened in the early morning hours in order to pray. This might be one of the earliest prayers that I recorded during these early hours of the morning.
As I look back on that journal entry, I woke up and I was encouraged to pray. My body was groggy. My mind foggy. For anyone who has been awakened at that time, function is only a fraction of one’s waking abilities.
Yet, early morning prayers are some of my best. I think these prayers are some of the best because my body and mind are at rest, which means I have less of my conscious self. In other words, when praying happens at this time of day, my waking being is not able to intrude into the moment of prayer.
My prayer starts out fairly regular, providing a blessing to God for him. After which, I moved into prayer concerning my family and friends. Then my prayer changed direction.
In my prayerful state, I was asked about fasting. That still seems like an odd question. But, as I look at the question, maybe it has something to do with the concept of waiting. Fasting is a type of waiting, a type of waiting on the LORD. But I’m not sure, so I could be wrong. Looking back, maybe I should have asked a question to gain further understanding.
But, I guess, if there is something that grabs my attention about the prayer is that I was asked what I would give. Then I found myself weeping. After the prayer, I wrote down the event and talked with Mary.
As I look back at this, the thing that stands out is what happened during Mary’s meditations. I made a notation about it. On February 10, 2013, the same day as my prayer, Mary shared with me the following: “God showed me [Mary] him giving Ray a second heart. I could see that it was empty and ready for her. I felt it.”
For me, that stands out. I wake up. I pray. Mary has something occur in her meditations.
On February 14, 2013 I have another prayer event take place. On that date, I recorded into my journal the following:
I had high anxiousness this morning before my [bus] route, and not really feeling well. On my way to the bus I got the impression that I should pray…. I began my prayer and prayed for myself and I was told “Pray for [her].” So I did asking “What is she struggling with?” [In my spirit,] I was told “Rejection.” So I prayed letting her know I would never reject her no matter what happens.
Then I was told to pray for Mary, and I asked “What should I pray for?” and [in my spirit] I was told “She fears being left behind.” So I prayed reassuring Mary that I would not leave her behind.
No sooner had I finished praying I heard in my spirit “If you will do that for them, believe that I will do that for you.” Tears filled my eyes and the anxiety left.
When I use the word anxiousness, I mean something like being really nervous, like how someone might feel before a public speaking event. The journal entry does not really explain what led me to pray, just that I believed I should.
Notice, like the prayer above, I began praying for myself, but I was led to pray for different things. At each prompting, I sought clarity, and prayed accordingly.
For me, what stands out is how the prayer ends. A type of reassurance is given to me. I am still not completely certain what the assurance means.
I found interesting some of my notations about about Mary’s meditations. Consider these from February 18, 2013:
– I write a book, she writes a…
This is not the first time Mary had the thought of smile come to her during her meditations. Back in Installment 42, there was another thought about smiling. Curious as to what it would mean that Mary had similar thoughts occur.
But for me, it is the second notation that I find interesting. Based upon this Installment, it sure looks like I am writing a book. But who is the “she”? and what does she write?
I have an interesting journal entry from February 22, 2013. I wrote:
This week I was instructed to obeis. I want to say it was Thursday afternoon, because I remember driving the Suburban and I was instructed to do so in the afternoon. I did so and gave thanks for my wives, and my life and blessings.
As far as I know obeisance does not appear in a verb form, so obeis is my verb form of the noun obeisance. There are several different types of obeisance prayer postures. But, if my memory serves, when I did this obeisance, I did so in the form of lying face-down on the ground. For me, it represents a highly symbolic form of submission.
But for me, what is important is that I was instructed to obeis. I did so. During that moment, I expressed my gratitude.
One would think that I was settled, not going back-and-forth with this decision. But my journal entry from February 26, 2013 records another personal moment. I wrote:
Here recently, I again was [praying] inquiring “Why me?” This time the answer was slightly but significantly different, “Because you can get the job done.” Not something I really wanted to hear. But, I was somewhat surprised, maybe even a little pleased. My prayerful hope has been that I remain humble. How well will I do? I guess that is yet to be seen.
My reader may recall that I asked that same question back in Installment 41. At that time, I was given an answer. This time, I received a very different answer, and far more personal.
What does it mean “you can get the job done”? In a way that sounds cold and calculating. I am logical and rational, reasonable and sensible, for some too much so. I have a heart, but not to the neglect of my mind, and certainly not to the neglect of sound intellect.
I take it to mean that when I can get the job done, I will not just accomplish the “job” but I will be successful. So let me elaborate.
Looking at marriage or ministry like a “job” is what has failed the church. The minister has a “job” and is “married” to the church. Recognized ministers get paid for taking the ministry to the people, while others don’t.
Sometimes the minister’s heart is in the work. Sometimes not. Sadly, in many instances, if the minister wears a cheerful smile, usually, the people can’t tell the difference, especially when the minister appears to be successful in ministry. Lots of ministers hide lots of things.
Yet, there are other ministers in the church laboring on their own, not receiving the public adoration of other ministers. Yet, their heart is in it. Hell. High water. They are there. Thick. Thin. In poverty. In richness. In turmoil. In joy. Sometimes never receiving recognition or payment. Yet, they “get the job done”. Not for the glory and recognition, but because their heart is there. The heart.
A sound mind is a wonderful thing, and lots of ministers have sound minds. But some don’t, let’s just be honest. But heart, heart is something that can’t be bought. Heart is what gets the job done. Heart.
I don’t look at my life as a job, but my heart is in it. I want it. I want two wives. And I will, for the remainder of my days, make it known and advocate the right of men and women everywhere to volitionally enter into the biblical marriage of their choice. And I will smile a delightful smile for the joy of liberty wherein I and my two ladies live the life we have chosen.
Before I close, I want to share a prayer from February 28, 2013.
Today I want to record my thoughts about this polygamous arrangement. I am in need of [writing about] this.
I have accepted that I am not my own. I can feel and sense and know that it is You and Messiah that control me, own me. I can see the beauty of what you have in store through this situation. So I come to you not fighting, not arguing, not combative at all. …
If your will is for me to have two wives, then I will commit myself to being the best husband, spiritual leader, healer, consoler, lover, father, friend, confidant, and whatever else I need to be, to be there for these two women, your daughters. I will love them, each, for who they are, not who I want them to be.
I feel so incapable, unprepared and ignorant to complete this. I need your help, your guidance, your providence, your love, your patience. Teach me. Train me. Show me how to be the one you have called me to be. I ask these things through master, Yeshua the Messiah, to whom has been given all authority and power.
For me, I feel that prayer was answered. It took three long years. But I feel capable, prepared, and informed. I received God’s help to understand. I received God’s guidance for having a good idea of what makes a healthy marriage that has multiple wives. I believe that I have been taught and trained.
I truly believe that I am ready to make good on that which I prayed for, dedicating myself to my wives, our children, our family, being the spiritual leader, healer, consoler, lover, father, friend, confidant, and whatever else these beautiful ladies need and our family needs.
Blessings and Shalom