Installment 65

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My birthday arrived August 30, 2013. In my journal, I wrote:

Last night, I went to bed highly frustrated and somewhat angry. I woke up feeling the same this morning.

Not really the way anyone wants to begin their birthday. But back then, I was like a pendulum on a clock, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I couldn’t really determine where I was.

One day I was for it. The next against. One week for it. The next against. It grew quite wearisome. Yet Mary was there, giving me words of encouragement.

I recorded that on that birthday, she said:

Maybe you’re over thinking [this]. [God] said love is simple. Your heart IS FOR this, but I believe that [it] is scary to you and to your brain. This may be why you are pushing it away again. Maybe God has shown you the simplicity of it and that has really scared you. Truly seek your heart, the one that belongs to her and see the simplicity God was showing you, I believe you will find a beauty and comfort in it. …let the beauty draw you in. I believe you will find that the heart that belongs to me feels very similarly. It will all be familiar to you when you see it. I love you. Have a good day and don’t be upset about your birthday. It’s your first in your second life. Not many get that gift. I look forward to many more bdays with you.

You know, I can’t sing enough praises about Mary. She’s great. A true gift. Back then, her words did not set well with me. But today, the contrast is significant.

Love is simple. We don’t like to think of it that way, but it’s true. Love loves. Love doesn’t know borders or boundaries. It is the brain that sees boundaries, divisions, differences.

At one time, I had been completely convinced that monogamy was the only marriage that God accepted. Then I came to understand that a man could have two wives and God didn’t really care. But when the church doctrine and social constructs emphatically maintain monogamy, it is intellectually difficult to accept that God does not judge polygamy.

As difficult as that might be, it was even more difficult for me to come to terms with my own heart, and that God was helping show me the path that was proper for me, my wives, and my family. Even though I could feel and sense that it was right, coming to terms with what that meant was no easy task, and is why it took so long.

That birthday I worked a full day, long day, clocked in for the afternoon, and stayed on the clock until about midnight. It was Friday, and football season. But that didn’t keep my family from sharing my birthday with me.

I recorded the events in my journal, but I only highlight. My family met me at the football game. They brought dinner and an apple pie. I wrote:

…the biggest surprise was the gift. I was not expecting anything, but everyone arrived there just to share in the moment of me opening that gift.

…I tore away the [wrapping] paper … Then I cut away the tape to open the box [to] find a prayer shawl. It was a big tallit, the size that I have wanted for a long time. Sadly, my countenance was not yet improved and the opening lacked fun and frivolity, even though I very much appreciated the tallit.

Sadly, my disposition affected the reception of the gift. But that tallit is big, really big.

I wrote in my journal:

I had asked God for a tallit, large enough to fit Mary, my second wife, and me, as a symbol for our new family. I knew [God] would deliver [the tallit] at the proper time. Earlier in the day, I lamented my birthday and even expressed that I wanted a sign to prove to me that this situation is going on. [There it was,] happening right under my nose, happening to me, and I didn’t even recognize it.

That kind of represents how foggy everything was for me. Things were happening, but either I could not see them, or in seeing them I rejected what I saw. Candidly, it was probably a little of both. But, as I have written “My Story” and I look back at all the events, it has become clear what I couldn’t see.

For my birthday, Mary also gave me a card. She gave me many more thoughts, which I recorded in my journal. In part, she said:

Don’t worry about what others think in the things they have no right to judge you about. Others have no right to judge us in this, other things maybe, but not in this. It is beautiful and we shouldn’t be ashamed.

So today, when I look back at the road traveled, and I look back on the words that Mary said, they are very informative, powerful, and courageous. Thank you babe for being my wife, I love you.

The next night, my family and I attended worship services. During praise and worship, I prayed. I began that prayer with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who brings to remembrance things forgotten.

During that prayer, the Divine made it clear that the Divine informed me:

[The Tallit] has value to you. Symbols have value to those who know the symbol, to everyone else it is a vestige, a mere formality. Don’t forget this.

That is quite intriguing, especially when one considers that the prayer shawl, the Tallit, is powerfully important to the atmosphere of faith for Messianic Jews and Jews themselves. Yet, here it is the Divine telling me the Tallit is a symbol.

The Divine the added:

However, for you, [the Tallit] symbolizes much… it is my symbol my gift to you, as are your wives to you a gift. It will be to you for a lifetime of symbolism for it symbolizes your life the expansion of your house…, fill your house with joy and thanksgiving, be rejoiceful always, goodness and mercy follow me and they will follow you because you follow me …be faithful in your foreign lands and you will always be blessed.

In that the Divine explained how the symbolism of the Tallit works, at least in my case. The Tallit was a gift. In my journal I wrote:

…it occurred to [Mary] that she should get me a tallit. She prayed about it, even asking God how to pay for it. … She was concerned that it would not arrive on my birthday, but it did. …

Yes, the Tallit was from Mary, but it was not just from her. It also becomes fascinating that I recorded the following:

With [recalling] the Salt Covenant…, the tallit now symbolized much more. I was moved by my heart last Sunday to initiate a family covenant with two lovely brides and my children.

That becomes important that on my birthday, I was given a gift symbolizing the expansion of the family. So for me, the Tallit symbolizes God’s involvement, his protection and covering for my family.

The Divine continued:

Now, what is in store for your life … peace and tranquility, sweet savor to your neighbors. This is a powerful witness, the world has heard of Jesus, but have they seen living faith, a quiet life living at peace with their neighbors, sometimes yes, sometimes no…. You will navigate it and navigate it well because I lead you.

Now that contains an interesting thought. People have heard of Jesus, whereas in the first century AD/CE they had not. But now, centuries later, the testimony of peace and tranquility is Messiah, and in the Divine we have a power to resonate in ways that are called a sweet savor, not to God specifically, but to human neighbors.

The Divine expounded on that concept:

Peace is something that people want and want to see but competing philosophies get in the way, I want you to learn the philosophies that direct peoples steps, but they are knowledge to you…. But as for you, you shall always follow my steps…

The Devine is revealing the importance of peace and the importance of finding peace, and peace is something that people want to experience. But to have peace means walking in the steps of the Divine.

You must walk this path, not as one forced, nor as one compelled, but as one who has chosen a most difficult path, a vocation if one will…. What is a path if it is by force? It is no path at all, but forced labor; I force no one. You have chosen, chosen well, and chosen a most arduous but rewarding path. … Keep in mind…you are a servant, one called to live at peace. Learn that, share that, be that….

There sits another powerful truth. The Divine does not force someone to choose. The choice can be revealed. But the individual has to make the choice, choosing the path that is provided. With the Divine it is a choice, it has to be, for if there is no choice, it is as the Divine said, “forced labor” which we call slavery.

I have chosen. It took me a long while to come to terms with my choice and the ramifications of it, and the leading to understand what was being presented. But I have chosen. And the peace begins in my house, with my wives, for many, a peace conundrum.

When I arrived home on September 3, 2013, I was led to spend time in interactive prayer. I began my prayer with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who gives great and precious gifts to his children.

The Divine responded:

Today, you are my son, tomorrow you are my son, forever you are my son. My daughters are yours. My daughters Esther and Rachel are yours forever. Treat them well, always treat them well, tend this garden that I am giving you. …[And] treat them as the royalty they are.

I find it important that I am referred to as a son and Esther and Rachel are referred to as daughters. My reader may notice that the Divine once again used the name Rachel. There is another admonition to treat the Divine’s daughters well, which means treating them like royalty, along with me looking at my responsibility of a gardener.

The Divine then continued:

Today you have chosen a harder path.

In my journal, I recorded: ‘How’s that?’ I thought. The Divine then continued:

By choosing to remember your Salt Covenant … having chosen on your own volition. I led you to this path, but you finally chose to walk this path on your own free will, there is no turning back. … It is a sacred vow; keep the vow sacred.

So it wasn’t just remembering the covenant, it was remembering that I had entered into that covenant. And in that remembering, choosing to move forward, even though I didn’t and still don’t fully understand the future. But there it is, the covenant is considered sacred. Perhaps the biggest thing though is being reminded that while God led me to this path, I chose to walk upon it. I am here, and here to stay.

The Divine then added:

As for your wives, they are fine creatures, beauty unmatched. …beauties [who] exude beauty from their heart and soul…

The Divine is not focusing solely on appearance. Outward appearance matters because it is part of the attraction. But the beauty that the Divine speaks of refers to their inward beauty that radiates outward which makes the physical that much more attractive. A beauty that the Divine told me is worth my attention.

The Divine then continued:

A great mystery awaits, it awaits you to discover it, for in that mystery is your fulfillment. This mystery opens to you a world unknown and unexperienced by your hands, or your wives, or your family. You will find it, they will follow. But don’t lose yourself to the searching of and for the mystery. Live life and the mystery will be revealed, but don’t be fooled, it is a mystery, and a mystery it will be, a mystery grand.

I am not certain if this mystery has been revealed. But I am going to say, no. I have a distinct impression that I am still searching for this mystery and when found will know exactly what this refers to, a mystery having become revealed.

The Divine continued:

Begin thinking, meditating, reflecting and searching your heart. Your job will reveal itself for I have planted it there, placed it within you. Once found begin the hunt.

I have searched my heart. It took me all the days from 2013 to January 2016 to know what was in my heart. I thought on it. I meditated upon it. I reflected and searched.

I spent time talking with Mary. Talking with others. I did so to ascertain things, their points of view, and Mary’s. I prayed more. Meditated, reflected, and continued the search.

That search is over. I know my heart. I know what I want. I want my family. I want to see this life come to pass.

So what is my job? I have expressed it before, a stay-at-home father, but more than that a partner who empowers his family, leading them to find their own personhood, their own heart from God, giving to them the ability to become more than they currently are.

But what is the hunt? It seems to be the search for my wife to be.

The Divine concluded:

I love your family, and I know you love them. Love disciplines, guides to the right and proper path, but love encourages, and weeps, yet compassion allows the mistakes. …show them all the way home. That is your job as priest, as husband, as father, as patriarch covenanted to family before me with me salted upon your drink offering. You poured yourself out to me, I will fill you afresh with new wine.

The Divine concluded giving me personal admonition, instruction, and direction, yet ended with encouragement.

This is not easy. I will not ever claim that it is. Marriage isn’t easy. Serving family isn’t easy. But since this is what I want, I will “work” for my brides and our children.

Blessings and Shalom