Installment 66

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Back on September 11, 2013, I wrote the following in my journal:

After clocking out from my afternoon route, I walked out to the Miata, telling God that I am ready for this new life. [The Divine] asked me, “Even if it’s difficult?” I answered, “Even if it’s difficult.” [The Divine] asked me, “Even if it has trouble?” I responded, “Even if it has trouble.” I have no idea what is in store, I simply know that I want what is on the other side, and I must go forward….

Pfft. I wasn’t ready. Silly me. The last few years prove that. I had more concern about how people would react and respond than caring about moving forward.

In a way it has been difficult and it has contained its trouble. For me, it seems that some individuals have a far easier time coming to terms with themselves. They know who they are, and if relationships break, oh well.

That’s not me. I have had as one of my chief concerns the maintenance of parental relationships, even though they believe I am doctrinally wrong for what I believe. It has been the most difficult thing for me to come to terms with parental family. They represent the place from which I developed and matured.

They might not feel that I respect them or honor them, but I do. We are simply at a cross roads with belief about the Scriptures. This was a place I was not expecting to ever be.

The difficulty and trouble was coming to terms with it. The difficulty is in accepting that they believe what they believe and what that entails, at least at this moment. The trouble was choosing to move forward into what I believe is proper in the face of the difficulty.

Coming to terms with myself, coming to see that it is more important to be happy with Mary and my family than to please parents was a tremendously difficult thing. I want to be pleasing to parents and in-laws, but it seems that the only way I know how to become pleasing is to go forward, become the family I am supposed to become, and show them that it can be done.

Walking away from those whom you hold most dear in order to begin something new is a prospect that is fearful enough to cause most to never become their own. In the face of this difficulty and trouble, I have chosen to move forward, knowing that nothing is Biblically wrong, and that this is the proper thing to do.

On September 12, 2013, I was led to participate in interactive prayer. I prepared and prayed beginning with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who creates laughter and joy. The Divine responded:

Yes. Yes I do. I love to hear laughter; it brings joy to my heart. Does it yours?

I responded: Yes. Yes it does. After a few moments of silence, the Divine moved to a different topic:

Today is the day before Yom Kippur, prepare, you are to fast, fast this day, draw near unto me, do not seek employment, this is a high holy day, sanctify it.

As far as I recall, this is the first time that I was attentive to Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. In Scripture it is one of the holy days that God established for Israel.

The day of that prayer occurred the day prior to the Day of Atonement, which occurred on the very next day. But during this particular day, the day prior to Yom Kippur, I was led to interactive prayer, then during that interactive prayer I was told to sanctify Yom Kippur and to fast during the Day of Atonement.

Later in the prayer, the Divine added:

… remember the holy days. Jesus is your sanctification but the days show reverence and ordered lives around holiness, some things are not ad hoc, but most things are. Those things which require attention, you should do, just like you would, will, observe Passover, Pesach, observe Yom Kippur. It’s that important. Pray, pray together with me, you will find it rewarding, worth your time.

I want to take some time here to share something about my religious training. I was brought up in a Protestant Christian faith, but a group that did not observe any particular day(s) as holy, except Sunday. Gathering for worship on the first day of the week is most sacred to this group, and they go through many lengths to demonstrate why the first day is most important.

But as for days set aside as most high for religious observance there really aren’t any. In my experiences, Lent was not observed. Easter was observed, but primarily because it happens to coincide with gathering for worship on the first day of the week. Christmas worship services were not really observed, unless Christmas happened to occur on the day that had services already scheduled. As such, my religious experience with holy days was minimal.

So coming from a religious background that had minimal focus on holy days, my first consideration of holy days involved my study of Seder as it relates to the history of Communion. There are critics that claim the Seder is not connected to the Lord’s Supper, but after spending several years in the study of Seder and comparing it to the Communion, the connections are there. As I was learning that I also learned how Seder connects to Passover.

My first observance of Passover was to simply watch the events, and do things along with them. But as the years have passed since that time, I have found myself observing this year’s Passover Seder somewhat differently, but still observing the holy day.

Holy days were something that my personal Bible Studies led me to. Additionally, when considering the above prayer, the Divine led me to participate in additional holy days. So they have become a part of my life.

Let me return to my 2013 journal, the immediate next day (September 14) was Yom Kippur. I wrote in my journal:

As I went to sleep last night, I tossed and turned for a long time. But in that time period, I heard lots of stuff, only a small portion do I recall. The main thing I recall is that I was given permission to use the name Esther when talking to Mary. … The other thing that I recall is that I was told not to brush my teeth on Yom Kippur, not sure why, just was told not to brush.

Not to brush my teeth. Really? So I didn’t brush my teeth. The significance of it is, currently, lost to me. But on that day, I studied the Scriptures, fasted, and prayed. In my journal, I wrote:

I have been fasting since last evening. I studied the Gospel of John Chapters 1-4 this morning, and studied about Yom Kippur for about two and half hours. I am beginning to feel the fast. I am somewhat foggy in my mind and shaky in my limbs. But this prayer time is required, as [the Divine] told me to pray. I am uncertain what I will receive.

I began my prayer with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who set apart the Day of Atonement.

The Divine responded:

Yes. Yes I did. It is one of the most important days of my year. Holy it is. Holy it will be. Praise to Yeshua and praise unto me. I have spoken.

The Divine did establish the Day of Atonement as holy, it is a sacred day, and it does require fasting. I know there is a tremendous argument within Christendom about holy days and the Torah and how it relates to the New Testament, but I cannot underscore how the moment of being told to sanctify the day becomes for me.

The Divine continued:

My year is misunderstood, misunderstood by so many. It has been made drudgery and is made of ill-repute and is ill-spoken of. Such is not true, and far from the truth. Life is in my year. Oh, others may ‘live’ outside my year, but my year reveals life, and the joys therein. Abundance is found when operating in the proper time.

There is a lot to think about in that, so I will simply leave it as it stands. But I will add that as I have done my best to understand the spiritual implications of the Torah, I have found myself more willing to consider sacred the things I once dismissed.

In that prayer, the Divine added:

You are about to experience life in my time, my days, my years, congratulations. You have done well today, well in providing your advice. So I want to inform you of something new. “Kitty”…

In my prayer, I was caught off guard. Here I was fasting, feeling the effects of the fast, having just learned something about Yom Kippur and then the Divine switched gears. So I regained composure and focus and continued in prayer. The Divine continued:

As I was saying, Rachel is about to make the break. It will be difficult for her, as revealed to your son in his dream. She is about to go [bananas], her life is about to seriously change. It is changing for the better, but she does not yet know it. Her mind, her emotions, her spiritual state will be fogged.

The Divine has led me to grasp certain concepts about my self, my life, like how I should live at peace with people, study things like philosophy, and to remain faithful and a student of the Scriptures. But this moment was entirely different. In that moment, the Divine added:

…Remember, the pangs of birth are intense, but are brief, be ready for the delivery, this is what we have been waiting for. No anesthesia on this one, take it like a man, a new life is about to be born. Travail, travail allows the mind and the body to remember. Travail helps the rewards be sweeter than if accomplished with no effort.

All I can think of is what I wrote in my journal back on September 11, the very entry that began this installment. What does this look like? I am not certain.

I simply know that the concepts of travail are not new. The Apostle Paul spoke of the travail of birth (Galatians 4.19 KJV, 1 Thessalonians 5.3 KJV), and that travail was a part of his labor (1 Thessalonians 2.9 KJV, 2 Thessalonians 3.8 KJV).

During that moment, I thought about Mary and the name of Esther, The Divine responded:

Yes, begin calling her Esther, she is my Star, mine…

I simply find it intriguing that something that the Divine reveals makes me consider Mary and how important she is to me, and how important the things are that she has experienced. The Divine confirmed the name Esther, but then claimed her for his own. Powerful image, is it not?

After that, the Divine added:

You helped Mary, you will help Rachel, she will need your help. She is beautiful, but tender, like a young plant. Remember to tend, always tend. Mary was… aged to perfection, capable of the heat, hence her Star status. But not so with Rachel. She needs your help. She knows friendship; she does not know relationship, this relationship is powerful and you will help her mature into the person, the soul, I want her to be, represent me, my intentions, my will, my desires, holiness, kindness, gentleness, lovingkindness, love and she will blossom, and with Esther, they, those two, will be an almost unstoppable force for good and hope, even though they both sacrifice ‘home’.

That is a tremendous moment, revealing concepts about two women. Mary, I know for she and I have lived as husband and wife for many years. But this Rachel is a woman I have never met. So who is this Rachel that the Divine is describing?

The Divine continued:

Love them, sacrifice for them, give them due diligence, train their children, help their children, be kind to their children, respect their children, no favorites, no first born of the unloved wife, love them both, love them without partiality, yet love uniquely, unique to their individual needs, they need that, you need that,…

There is so much in that moment. That moment is far more like what I was expecting, guidance, about what I am to do. Of special note is that the Divine is really emphasizing that there is to be no favorites in the relationship, no favorite wife, no favorite child. Love each wife as they need, but do not show partiality or favoritism.

The Divine continued:

yet together the love will be unique to the three of you, forevermore, unbroken, untainted by outsiders, you three forever, a covenant for three before me, always, in Messiah perfected, clean, pure, righteous, high priest and priestesses, prophetesses giving people my words of life.

When the previous is accomplished, the latter is seen.

I know that many multi-wife families have differing approaches to their marriages. That is theirs. But this picture is mine, ours. It is wholly different than what I have seen many (most?) people practice when they have multiple-wives.

In essence, my house, our house, is to be a house of peace, reconciliation, edification, encouragement, love, respect, no favorites, no partiality; yet each person receives the things that they need, the things that are unique to the person.

For example, Mary’s needs are not mine. If I were to approach her needs as if they were my needs, then I have not assisted her in any way. But when I listen to Mary, hear her, and understand her needs, and when I respond and interact with her in ways that help her meet her needs, then I have shown respect to her by meeting her where she needs to be met.

Earlier in the interactive prayer, the Divine referred to a dream my son had. On that same day of Yom Kippur my son did have a dream. I recorded it in my journal. It is difficult to ascertain its importance. But here is the dream, remember it is told from the experience of youth:

There was a nun in a convent and she accidentally found a stapler from the 1800s in a closet and accidentally stapled her thumb. She went back in time. Then I went to the stapler and went back in time (then forward to the present) to some convention happening in the convent, there I found my mom and dad, who weren’t married to each other. My dad was married to some yuppie brat, and she had his [manhood] in a box. So I took my dad to an empty room, and talked about all the things that I knew were going on and where God was leading him. He was dumbstruck and a little horrified that I knew. And I told him that I was his son, then his yuppie brat wife came in and interrupted. So I told him that I didn’t want to talk with her in here, so I left. They teleported to their old rusted and worn down truck, I was on a bike so I caught up with them. I barely made it into the truck, when I looked toward the back end of the truck I saw a cat with a lever and the cat was emptying the truck’s black tank over and over again. The cat used my bike to head back toward town. [The cat] talked to a group of dogs, then the dogs started chasing it. The cat went back to the truck, as fast as it could. The cat barely made it back inside the truck before the dogs got there.

That is a difficult dream, filled with images, from people to vehicles, to animals, to objects, even time travel. It involves family, yet the structure seems frayed. As far as I know, personally, it does not reveal anything about my marriage, my children are mine, and my son has never had reason to chide me. So, for me, this dream remains a mystery.

Later, on the Day of Atonement, I resumed my study of the Gospel of John, studying chapters 5 and 6, while continuing my fast. Later that evening, I entered into another prayer. I began with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who gives light into dark places.

The Divine responded:

Today, you are atoned, forgiven, reconciled, never to be from me again…you are one with me…as long as you remain faithful to me in the covenant, your covenant, that precious salt covenant, forsake it not, my love, beloved of mine.

Heavy words, considering the day. But there it is, a reminder to be faithful. Then the Divine continued:

As for you, your walk is now enjoined, your life is now known, now chosen, forsake it not, live life to the fullest, joyfully in my presence, before me always … take the olive branch of peach and grace, unity and love, live at peace, no sword, no retaliation, humiliation, humility practiced, shown, lived from the heart, patience and understanding win the souls of men, they will listen… action through non-action gains the victory. Love overcomes, not violence, not force of voice. Patiently endure.

Important concepts. These are things that lead me in my thoughts. I stand for the truth, but I aim to do so differently than I was taught prior to the Divine’s leading. I aim to stand for the truth in a manner that is consistent with the above. Doesn’t mean I always hit that target, but that is my goal.

The Divine added:

Your life can be one of extreme peace. That peace for yourself amongst others depends solely on you and your interaction, action, and reaction. Act with integrity. Act with honor. Act with respect. Act with and from the heart. Act with joy. Victory [of peace] is yours to be had, to be possessed, to be felt, to be lived, live there.

Peace rests with me. Not that I have peace and people come to me, no. The ability for peace resides in my ability to be peaceful. I am not sure where my reader lives, but I live in the United States, it is an argumentative culture, filled with competition, and one-up-man-ship, there has to be a winner.

I am saying that if two competitors should compete, there will be a winner, there will be a loser. But the manner in which the victor shows their victory matters, just as much as the manner in which the loser shows their loss. There has to be good winners, and good losers.

The competition is not really about who’s the best. It is about rising to the occasion, and demonstrating one’s skill, and spiritual development. The very manner in which you engage the “opponent” matters. In essence, victory can be had without destroying the opponent, without gloating over their defeat. Not everyone will win. But the victor can thank the opponent for the opportunity, and then encourage the opponent to greater devotion.

Those concepts are recognized, but often not carried out in healthy ways.

The Divine then continued:

…It is time to believe that authority reigns best from a place of calm peace, stillness, stillness of heart, stillness of mind, free from anxiety and worry. I will deliver, I will provide, you do…

Simply think on that, and think about how unique that sounds.

Then the Divine added:

Love. Love is the most powerful thing on earth. Love overcomes rules, regulations and boundaries of peoples. Love is simple, yet so complex. Love seems muddy, yet flows like water. Love is clear, but sometimes murky. Love is deep, longlasting. Love endures, endures not just pain, but endures through triumph, love is best expressed when in triumph because that love shows humility, submissiveness to the greater cause, ME. Love submits not out of force, never out of force, force is a forgery, force is a farce, force is forgettable, regrettable, unattainable. Attain through love and love alone.

The greater cause, of course, is the Divine.

Love, more influential, more potent, than we give it credit.

Love, the fiber of the Divine, the essence of his children.

Blessings and Shalom