Installment 67

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Back on September 16, 2013, I spent some time in interactive prayer. During that prayer the Divine shared the following:

You are strong yet weak; intelligent yet ignorant; capable yet incapable; old yet young; young yet old; … tough but not tough enough; doer yet lazy; strident yet easy going. Balance is not found in these things. Balance is found in me. Balance, I am balance … find your balance.

The Divine is communicating that having both comparative qualities is not what makes me balanced. The Divine made it clear that balance is found in the Divine, and that I am to find that balance, which makes it all the more interesting that the Divine continued:

Here is your balance. Balance is facing the cold north wind without any type of wintry weather protection and facing that wind without murmur or complaint, freezing yet not freezing because the warmth of your heart endures the elements. Elements are superficial, extant to the situation, but natural, the heart, properly balanced, cares not that the physical elements ‘hurt’ because the heart finds and believes in no hurt, that is balance, facing frustration unphased by the element because the element becomes a noise that you ignore to accomplish the greater task at hand. Now that’s cool.

Because there are moments that natural elements are simply too harsh to face without protection, I understand this as a metaphor. The concept is that preparation in the heart prepares for the elements, and that the elements really are not even the real environmental threat. The threat comes from a heart that is unprepared for the challenges it must face. A heart properly prepared permits accomplishment. Insightful, is it not?

All the insight in the world, universe, cosmos, eternity -if one will, cannot actually prepare one for the elements, when one’s heart is not ready. Back in 2013, my heart wasn’t ready. Back then, I kept denying what I was experiencing. But my prayers, my life in general, along with Mary’s dreams and meditations, were all leading toward becoming a larger house.

Back then, at one time, I had come to accept it, I had actually come to accept that I could be married to two wives and have that larger family. I believed it best to find a woman in her thirties, who had never been married. You know, I had this concept in my mind that it would develop from purity. Let me give a brief explanation.

In my upbringing and in my spiritual development, it was encouraged and lauded that we remain sexually inactive until the marriage. I know that some look at that as archaic and quaint, but that was one of the guiding principles that governed my youth.

And, even though, I was contemplating taking a second wife, I thought those kind of principles should exist. Whether that was appropriate thinking or not is immaterial. But it did create in my imagination a scenario of purity, for whatever that might be worth.

Without trying to sound judgmental, what I expected for myself was to have a perfect marriage, in the sense, that we would be pure, and remain married until our day of death. That is not what many experience, and I am in no way saying that I am better, simply sharing what was my own personal expectation, for me. Okay?

In light of what I was experiencing in 2012 and 2013, I wanted that same type of personal expectation for anything that might occur. Some will call me naïve, but I figured that since God seemed to be leading the developments then God could make it happened.

Then September 17, 2013 happened. Mary and I spoke about her dreams and her meditations, and that is when I learned that what I had creatively imagined was not what I should expect. For me, that alone was immense, and occurred directly on the heals of being told that a prepared heart could face the elements.

All I can say is that whatever I had imagined seemed to fall flat, right on its face. It bothered me. A great deal.

I have my suspicions that some will not understand, especially in light of the reality that I am pursuing a course where I intend on having two wives. But my reader should keep in mind that I was trained up to become a church leader, and church leaders were supposed to be good examples, and the best examples exemplified ideal expectations.

Right or wrong, that was the training. It shaped me. It molded my expectations, my personal decisions, and my intentions for the future. Even if I could not personally be a full embodiment of the ideal, work and labor and the church seem to demand such.

On that September day, from her dreams and mediations, Mary got the impression that my personal, perhaps our personal, expectations were not befitting. So I went to the Divine in prayer, and I was led to understand the concept of crashing one’s faith.

I am not certain the full extent of that. But from a person of faith, I take it to mean that something was done that affects the entirety of their essence. In other words, something happens to such a degree that whatever was, can no longer be. That is a very difficult spot to be in.

That day, I continued praying, and the Divine led me to understand that my involvement was quite personal. The Divine led me to understand:

It’s the act of redemption.


She cannot love you without the act of redemption.

I even asked the Divine “Is there any way I can prevent it?” meaning could I interact in some way that would prevent her from crashing her faith. The Divine’s answer:


I even asked “Can it be stopped?” The Divine responded:

No, I will not stop this from happening.

I am not sure about you, but that is a difficult reality, and really shows that while the Divine knows, the Divine cannot interrupt a person and stop their hand from action, for if the Divine stopped their hand, the Divine would remove self-determination.

I kept praying, and the Divine let me know:

She did this. She must do this to find the Big Nothing.


She becomes Rachel when deflowered.

Look, I don’t know how other people process this, but for me this was a big deal. Maybe it shouldn’t have been, but it was. Accepting that I was being led to put two women in my life was difficult enough. But to consider the beauty and sanctity of purity and then it not be there felt like betrayal, even if it was just me learning about it.

It really gets to a primal emotion. From my youth I was taught the sanctity of purity, especially its importance toward marriage. I suppose that others taught that from their own personal experience. But, back in September of 2013, I felt like I had some “bragging rights” on some kind of purity. In the realm of the church, it matters. In the realm of God, not so much. Forgiveness is there, but that doesn’t mean that people forgive.

At least two additional things happened to me that day. One involved the Divine. The other involved Mary.

During my prayers and meditations on that day, the Divine presented:

I can still bring her to you, if you want her.

I wrote in my journal that I did not respond immediately, because I had to let the new information set in my being.

But here it was, an opportunity for me, if I so wanted, to change either the path I was headed on, or to, I suppose, be led to a different woman. For some, their answer would have been immediate. They might accept. They might reject.

As for Mary and me, she and I had this intense dialogue. Some of it was out of anger, some of it out of dismay, some of it out of disbelief, and at times we felt like disregard. But, as I was learning from all those experiences, it boils down to choice.

You see, choice is about the only thing in our power. We choose to act. We choose not to act. We choose to react. We choose to be involved. We choose to not be involved. We choose to remove ourselves from the involvement. Choices: paper, plastic, my own carry bag, or carry it in my own hands.

Choices, we all make choices everyday. I made the choice to write this today. I could have chosen to write it tomorrow, but didn’t.

We choose our cars, our homes, our friends, our spouses, even marriage partners that have arranged marriages have to ultimately choose each other or their marriage doesn’t work. Choice. It is that powerful.

Choice. What would I choose? What would Mary choose? Would we choose the same thing?

I wrote in my journal that I told Mary that I, even without truly knowing, lean toward mercy and forgiveness, not just because it’s the “Christian” thing to do, but also because the Divine led me to understand that I was to “let the sinner return home”.

As far as I know, I have never faced such a decision. I tried to live my own life so I would not have to face such decisions, even though for some they think the decision is to always forgive, and it probably is. I also raised my children with the guidance hoping that I would never have to make such decisions.

The only thing I can think of that I felt like was on the same level is spousal betrayal, where one spouse sleeps around on the other. Does the non-guilty spouse forgive or not? I had never been faced with such decisions. I have helped Christians overcome personal trespasses, but I had never been faced with it myself, because I never wanted to.

But the meditations and prayers of the day revealed a situation that I never wanted to face. I leaned toward forgiveness, I told Mary such. She agreed that forgiveness was the right thing.

We had extensive discussion, but we agreed that we would forgive from the heart, truly forgive having never met the woman for whom God said this would happen.

All of this prayer and personal dialogue continued throughout my work day. I drove my afternoon route, and continued praying. One of the things that I recorded from my prayers, was the Divine informing me:

She’s not a harlot, and you are not to treat her like one.

I wrote in my journal:

As I was driving back to the bus terminal, I could see the heavy rain filled clouds rolling in, heavy winds, smell of rain in the air. I was able to park my bus, and get inside and clock out before it rained. But during that time, I was thinking about standing still, lifting my face to the sky, letting the heavy rain hit my face hiding my tears.

So, I clocked out and headed for my car, heavy sprinkles, but not a down pour, and I heard, “Take off your glasses and look up to me.”

I did, and I removed my ballcap, and Abba said, “I’m crying with you.” And he let me know that it was ok to cry.

I walked to my car, and … stayed crying for a few minutes, collected myself, interestingly as the rain began to peter-out.

That evening I spent time in interactive prayer. I began with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who resides on his throne even in distress of human events affecting my life.

The Divine responded:

You are calmer tonight. Much calmer than you probably imagined you ever would be, given these circumstances. … This is why I know you will be fine and you will do extremely well in this work, this path. However, this will sting, but the sting will go away.

Calm. It was difficult. Today, here in 2016, I am calm. I am able to write about this, reveal that I was hurting that day, and I am emotionally stable, calm. But this type of calmness was not present on that day.

In a way, on that day the sting felt very real, emotional, and bothered me for months. I had never experienced anything like that. Today, I can say that the sting has gone.

Then the Divine asked:

Why must this happen?

I don’t know about my reader, but that is an excellent question. Look, we all have this desire to know why things happen. I wasn’t looking to know why. But I guess the Divine felt it was important to clue me in.

In answering the question, the Divine shared the following:

There are several reasons. Here is the first. My will. My will is always to be done, just like you learned and really recognized and understood how I raised up Pharaoh against Moses, I have raised up “Kitty”. Is this sting personal against you? Against Mary/Esther? No, but it must be done for this work, this path, to have the impact it needs.

That information is helpful in several ways. First is that it was not against me or Mary, so there is no reason to take it personally. But the part about the Divine’s will is still mysterious, I don’t think I will ever have a good answer for what it means that something is the Divine’s will, I simply accept that things work appropriately for the will of the Divine to be accomplished.

The Divine continued:

Your willingness to follow me, my words, my will, even to personal harm to you shows me why I call you ‘my son’. It hurts to be ‘my son,’ because it hurts to be me, experiencing betrayal, daily, yet I love and have joy, and so will you. Pharaoh was needed, “Kitty” is needed, the damage will be small, but the scar remains.

I get it, I do. Without there being a Pharaoh to fulfill the “role” of Pharaoh, the Divine’s plan could not come to pass. In other words, Pharaoh had to be and had to do what Pharaoh did.

Then the Divine continued:

Second, she must learn something – I am in control. She chose, but chooses because I permit. I permit choices to be made that fall into my will. She is doing so. Also, by doing this, as you considered earlier today, it will reflect your power, but also your power to love, to heal, to enjoin, to encourage, and to lead, lead, especially in my ways, ways somewhat foreign to completely foreign to her.

I sit here, June 2016, reading those words, knowing that Mary and I have not yet met this woman. So, I am uncertain as to what those words mean in their fullest sense.

Then the Divine continued:

Third, take it like a man, like I said, hence the memory recall [a film moment about a character] admirable in his loss, deep, profound, personal hurt, yet rises to the occasion, losing family to save family. Yes, it’s that real, not all men learn such deep profound love, you have, this makes you stand out. And she will notice.

As I look at that thought, the first thing that comes to mind is the expression: take it like a man. There are many who have come to look unfavorably upon that expression. Perhaps it is an expression that the Divine would never use with other people, but the Divine used it with me. There are other expressions “Cowboy up.” that express the same thing, but no matter the expression, the Divine is telling me that it’s time to step up to the plate and do what needs to be done.

There are times that I have found movie moments that resonate with me. There is just something in the character or in the way in which the movie unfolds that reverberates with me. I recorded what it was that resonated with me that day. The character did lose something profound and did ultimately regain that which had been lost.

One thing I take from moments like this, is that the Divine is not afraid to use items that are contemporary to my life to help make a point to me. But the other is the concept about deep profound love. As I look back over the course of the last few years, I can see how my love for my wife and family have changed, improved for the better, and have become far superior to what I used to have.

For a moment, I want to consider something. If finding love was the only thing that this journey was about, then I would be, as I am, thankful. I would, as I am, also be thankful that my journey toward finding that profound love has not yet been completed.

But love is not the only goal of this journey, part of it was learning to listen to the Divine. But love is a major portion of this journey.

What is love?

Poets, prophets, musicians, ministers, saints and sinners have all tried to answer that question. And in a sense, they all have answered the question.

But, it becomes quite interesting that each Installment from 61 to this Installment has included something about love.

Love must be something far more than what we have experienced. Some talk about unconditional love, and that’s a type of love. Others talk about how they love their favorite sports team, and that’s a type of love.

But to know that God is love, and to know that the Divine is orchestrating my life, and that the Divine wants me to love as he loves, becomes profound.

You see, before I was born, the Divine knew I would transgress, yet chose to forgive me before I was even born. Now the Divine has asked me to forgive a woman of her faults before I ever meet her.

I have chosen to forgive her faults, just as Mary has. But to forgive is not enough. I have chosen to love.

One has to love as if the transgression had never occurred – to connect, to live, to grow, as one, as if nothing wrong had ever happened. That is love.

Wherever she may be: you are loved, and I would love to have you as my bride.

Blessings and Shalom