As I mentioned in the previous Installment, even though on that day, I had made the decision to forgive, it took me several months to come to terms with what happened. On September 19, 2013, I prayed, beginning with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who gives calmness amidst the storm.
Later in the prayer, in part, I prayed: I need your guidance, reassurance. The Divine responded:
I know what you are capable of, and you are capable of this, as heart breaking and [as] gut wrenching it is. For unto you is born life, a new life, you will witness it being born, from grotesque to beautiful, almost instantaneously, overnight.
That happened within a few days of the previous Installment. Back then, I was torn about things, but wanted guidance. The guidance I received is partly enigmatic.
I am still not completely certain what it means that the Divine thinks that I am capable of moving into the life of two brides, but I have a small idea that it has to do with my willingness, not just my willingness to seek the Divine’s lead, but the willingness to become a husband of two wives.
For some it makes absolutely no sense that a man would desire to have two wives. For them, I don’t think I could ever offer an explanation that would suffice. Why? Because for them, two wives does not make sense. For an answer to make sense, one has to see some kind of sense in having two wives. Therefore, answering them is really wasted effort.
But it might perplex others. For these, I could offer some explanation, and depending on their interest my response could be helpful. I simply say that when all of this began, I was not enthusiastic, because I was not like some men who seem to admit readily that they love more than one woman. Personally, I don’t think I was ready to love more than one woman, so back then I was reticent to accept this change.
It took me years to accept that I personally want to have two women, and that I personally want to be a father of a bigger family. For me, the decision was a process of consideration, evaluations, meditations, and examinations.
The biggest thing, aside from the Divine, was examining my own desires, I then had to admit to myself that I did and do want two wives. When the vocal part of the world and the teachings of the church run contrary to that desire, it can prove difficult to accept one’s own self. But I have.
So, am I capable of loving two women? Yes.
Are two women willing to be my wives? One is. The second is not yet known.
That one is Mary. She has shared with me that she is willing to let me be a husband to her and one other woman. We’ve had our discussions and we have our considerations of our potential future family. We don’t know exactly how it all comes together, but we are determined to make this choice blossom into the best thing that has happened to all of us.
Does that make it easy? No. But it does mean that we are determined to dedicate ourselves to the betterment of each other which includes another wife.
Now, what does it mean that a new life is born?
I suppose, in a sense, it was me becoming the person I am now. In a sense, back then two wives did seem grotesque. But here in 2016, I have to say that I can see the beauty in this marriage. It was by no means easy to get here, but there is a beauty to this marriage, and that beauty is something I want to experience.
That said, there may be another possibility of life being born. If so, it will have to be revealed. If so, then God has prepared me thus far, the Divine will prepare for what is to be.
On September 20, 2013 I prayed again. I began with the blessing: Bless are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who beckons an audience with his children.
The highlight I want to give from that prayer is this, the Divine responded:
Servants suffer, but suffering is such a human defined point of view, suffering is done by those who work for a living.
Think about that for a moment. That is exactly what we do. We define suffering from a human point of view. I’m not sure that there is any other way to define suffering. But, in the end, the definition and understanding of suffering is completely human.
But the Divine said that suffering is defined by those who work for a living. We all know what work is, the grind, the day in, day out routine. But I don’t think that is the thing that the Divine is really talking about.
Working for a living is drudgery. Some refer to it as check-to-check or payday-to-payday. But I think it is worse than that. It’s the whole concept of “Don’t call me sir, I work for a living.” It is these types of people that suffer, because they think other people have it easier.
That is a profound thought, and should alter the manner in which we view Jesus as a man who suffered. The Divine continued:
Living your life is not suffering, it’s breathing, reaching the highest heights, overcoming challenges and obstacles.
That should be a breath of fresh air, crisp as the early morning air on a cool spring day. The Divine says that living is overcoming challenges and obstacles. That is living. The Divine offers a defense of the definition:
Why? Because, not because they are there, [but] because the obstacles become defining moments of success. Sufferers define themselves by failure. Successers define themselves by victory.
That is a profound comparison. Success is defined by overcoming the challenge and success is defined by overcoming the obstacle. All of us, each person, has at least one challenge and one obstacle in our path.
Some define success as removing the challenges.
Some define success as removing the obstacles.
Some define success as removing both challenges and obstacles.
But that is not living.
To the contrary, it is a type of failure, because removal of the challenge and obstacles created no opportunity for the person to find success, and every person wants to find themselves victorious when faced with a challenge and/or an obstacle.
The Divine then went on to tell me:
You are a success, no matter what others say. You have overcome one of the worst human challenges, hardness of heart toward a sinner, and that before it actually happens.
That is how the Divine defines success. Truth told, it is one of the biggest challenges and obstacles to our existence.
The next night we went to worship services. During praise and worship, I prayed, beginning with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who shatters hardened hearts. The Divine responded:
Now you understand.
The struggle over those few days brought me to a place that it seems the Divine wanted me, nothing short of difficult. It must have been difficult for him to get me to see it, because in some ways, as a human, it is difficult to process the kind of forgiveness that God has.
However, it is how the prayer continued that still has me pondering. The Divine continued:
Yes, she is hardened. She needs mercy more than justice. Justice will push her away, reshaping the shattered pieces into a hardness that will never repent.
I can grasp the concept that justice can push away a person making their hardened heart into a different type of hardness. But it is a mystery as to what this means as it applies to this lady. Which is why it makes the next portion that much more mysterious. The Divine continued:
The moment is tender and needs your express care. You have it within you. Oh you have it, I’ve seen it. Your pain is powerful, deep, rooted, in all things you are, but so is your mercy. You have been tempted, fallen, repented, so shall she be, the only difference between you and she is the degree of execution….
Nothing like the Divine reminding me that I too am a sinner. Look, I strive to be as sin free as I possibly can, I am for righteousness. But I guess no amount of work toward righteousness is ever really enough, for I am simply human, a person, a man, in need of God’s mercy, tenderness and care, the very thing he wants me to be.
Yet, the Divine was not finished. The Divine added:
The fall will be sudden, the stop will be harsh, the crash almost fatal, the ugliness will become known to her, her spirit will be crushed, crushed like dry leaves, how horrid the picture to have lost everything.
That is as mysterious as some of the previous. What is the fall? What is harshness? Perhaps it’s not mine to ever really fully understand. But that is a terrible situation for one to find themselves. I would not want that. I can tell my reader that if I was to be in that situation, I know as sure as I am writing this, I would want someone to help me. Then the Divine added:
She will need you, need you in ways you cannot imagine. You have forgiven her already, develop the compassion now, she needs it, you are told of events prior so that you can work through the trial before the trial ever arrives, as is needed, and you will find your mercy.
Okay. So it seems to revolve around whatever it is that the Divine revealed in previous days. If my faith wasn’t already seemingly out of the ordinary Christian path, then this prayer and the previous few days, would certainly solidify that my experience was different.
Mercy. Mercy seems to be the focal point, and becomes important as the Divine added:
Her heart is soft and thus the blow will be crushing. She will feel defeated as if satan has taken her for the remainder of her days. Such is not true. She wants to be so good. She wants to be pure, but cannot attain it without you. You will lead her to true purity, purity of heart, mind, soul, body, let it go, it is nothing in the scope of eternity and love.
What is important for me, is that the thing forgiven is spoken of as meaning nothing in the scope of eternity and love, and is why the Divine encouraged me to let it go. Letting go of things is difficult.
I had a hard time letting go of one of my favorite cars. I had a hard time letting go of the negative experiences with pulpit ministry. I have had a hard time with other things.
But all of those things were post-event. I have never, and I mean never, been approached to forgive. Think about that term. It really means “to give prior to the event”.
What is given? We call it forgiveness, but it can’t be forgiveness when we give it afterwards. Let me explain.
Forgiveness is: to give before hand, to fore-give; fore meaning situated before, which is why I surmise that the English had to have dropped the ‘e’ in fore making it forgive. In essence, forgiveness is: before the event give mercy. That is what is meant to fore-give, spelled as forgive.
Where is this fore-give found?
Some might say mercy. But fore-giveness is not found in mercy. It is rooted elsewhere. The Divine added:
Love. Love is so powerful. Love can overcome the greatest of obstacles. It, love, never fails and thus your love will not fail her.
Love is where fore-giveness is found. Love gives fore-giveness. The showing is called mercy, but the act is rooted in love. So consider the importance of that act of love, the Divine added:
The forgiveness is more powerful than love, to be forgiven and accepted by the very one you hurt and injure, and give your burden to, the shame, is so compelling, one has to live with that love in the presence thereof and never depart.
Is that not the very thing that persuades us to God, the very thing that pulls us toward the Divine, to rest inside the love that granted fore-giveness, knowing that we are accepted?
Later the Divine added this:
…love is not a battlefield, love brings victory, love gives peace, loves gives joy…
Part of my journey has been to learn love. I grew up learning the Scriptures, defending Christian faith. I knew of love. Love saved me.
But had I ever shown love?
That is a much different thing. No Christian is going to really tell you that, because when they truly love, they have in their presence some of the worst unlovable people. Examples could be given, but I think examples will not help the overall description.
All I can say is that my love for God has led me to love, love beyond myself, beyond my marriage, beyond my knowledge of Scripture, and to come to love a woman I have not yet met. She has or will experience something that she will be ashamed of. Yet, God helped me develop my love, and that love sees no shame, allowing me the distinct privilege to walk with her.
Blessings and Shalom