On October 10, 2013 I wrote in my journal:
Today is the anniversary [of my confidant’s] Sea of Galilee storm vision dream, one year ago, which seems definitely me. I called [my confidant] on October 24, 2012 informing [them] of my status…. [Early in the morning] I was praying for Abba to help me see that this is really happening. I am here [in interactive prayer] partially because Abba said he wanted to [share] with me. So here I am.
My journal expresses that I wasn’t quite sure if I should give a blessing, but I did so anyway: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos who answers his children’s pleas. I then expressed that I was having doubt because things were moving slowly, and I then asked about someone’s dream, a dream that my confidant told me about. The Divine responded:
She is listening, but not too closely. The information is contrary to what she wants and expects, hence why she feels it’s the devil, the adversary, which it isn’t. She is being pulled, if you will, into a place for her to begin considering what has been presented to her, and like you and Mary, it is difficult. But she will master it.
Then later in the prayer, the one the Divine described as “she” the Divine identified her as:
Rachel, my priestess, my prophetess, your wife.
For me, this is still odd. My journal records that I prayed. But as of today, June 21, 2016, this prayer is still not verifiable. So what does it mean? What does it indicate? I am without information to know.
On October 12, 2013 I prayed again. In that prayer, I asked: Can you tell me something I don’t know, even if a parable? The Divine responded:
There are two men, one strong, one not, both living, yet not, both seeking, yet not finding, one will, the other won’t. Life is a path, led by me, feels like darkness, yet trust gains the goal not personal illumination, insight, or ability, even if agility. The path must be engaged, walked, if one will, but not all do. The goal is life eternal and life temporal, but which will be found? If either? Maybe neither. Walking requires trusting me, even in the greatest hurt. Do you, will you, trust?
Two men. Both could be me, one having the strength to trust, the other not. The one who trusts will find, while the other doesn’t. It seems like a paradox. But it, in a way, describes who we are. There are days we trust and there are days we don’t.
Whether we like it or not, we are alive, and because we live, we must walk our path. There are two goals, the one life eternal, the other life temporal. So many choose one over the other, or choose neither. But the Divine reveals that finding both is really living.
Yet walking the path requires trusting the Divine. That is what I have been learning to do. Is it easy? Nope. So many things are unseen, unknown, mysterious. That mystery can sometimes be intimidating, but with the Divine fear should not be a factor, but sometimes it still is. Learning to have trust in the Divine takes time, belief in the experience, and a review to see whether or not that which was experienced is from above.
At this point, I can say that I trust the Divine far more than I ever have. I simply hope that my trust continues to grow.
On October 13, 2013 I wrote in my journal:
Today, I gave my ego to Abba, it rained almost all day. I have felt calm that I have not experienced in many, many days, [perhaps] weeks.
That same day, I again went to the Divine in interactive prayer. I began: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos. The Divine interrupted:
I told you to stop. It took you too long. Next time please stop when I tell you.
I began with a blessing, from the Divine’s statement, I obviously tried to give a blessing. He must have informed me to quit, but I didn’t listen, until it became obvious. While my religious training was not very formal to ritual, we still had our focus on our own systems. It is really difficult to break out of that specific training and loosen up, but that is part of what the Divine has been teaching me.
To the Divine interruption, I replied: Okay. Then the Divine continued:
Here is what I want to say, to tell you, you have become more than you know. You have laid down the greatest part of yourself. …what is more important is that you let go of yourself. Letting go of yourself is the greatest threat anyone faces, yet [the] greatest benefits anyone will receive. For today you emptied yourself, and for that I will fill you up….
If my reader has not given their ego the personal “I” (see previous Installment) then I am here to tell you that it is the most difficult thing to give to God. Giving God control of things seems easy. We give God all kinds of things, like tithes. Compared to giving God your ego, tithing is easy – “Here God, you want 10%, it’s yours.”
But giving God your ego is essentially giving God your very being, your decisions, your aspirations, goals, everything that makes you, you, that is your ego. Everybody has one. Nobody is excluded, everybody has their own personal “I” called an ego.
We’ve all been blistered. Somebody has dumped us. Somebody betrayed us. Somebody lied to us. Somebody left us on the proverbial or literal doorstep. Our ego gets bruised and in return almost everyone wants a boost to their ego, perfectly captured in the song “How do you like me now?”
So to give God your ego, whew, take a breath, inhale, consider what you are doing, because once you’ve given your ego to God, it’s like taking the ultimate vow. It’s the Divine’s.
But isn’t that the entire point? Isn’t our personal “I” really the Divine’s to begin with?
The answer is: of course. But who’s ready to empty themselves of themselves and give their personal “I” to God?
I’ll tell you. The individual who has wrestled, struggled, fought, kicked, puked, hurled, screamed, and wept bitterly about their own existence and desperately wants the exit door of pain and bitterness.
Death is not the exit. Finding your life is the exit.
And religion, good vibes, perfect living, healthy living, making a living, success, family, cars, fortune, fame, none of it, not a single bit, can fill the ego, not one damn bit. And that is the vanity of it.
The only way to find yourself is to lose yourself, but you have to lose yourself to the proper thing, which is the Divine, otherwise you’re still lost.
But you have to be ready to give the Divine your ego. Because if your aren’t it is the scariest thing you will do because what do you do when you knowingly lose yourself?
Yet, giving yourself to the Divine is the most rewarding event ever.
Giving yourself to the Divine is not the same as giving yourself to doctrines and dogmas and rituals. Those have their place, but never confuse the exterior elements with the ethereal existence of the Supreme.
Giving one’s ego, one’s personal “I” to the Divine can be scary because doing so threatens what you have come to know. Yet sacrificing your ego has the greatest benefit you will ever receive, for in losing your ego, you lose your false self, and then gain your true self.
Want to know why so many people feel empty? Their false self is molded and shaped by an untold array of individuals, who share philosophies, ideologies, schooling, and demand expectations all sourced in false understandings of themselves.
The true self is the identity that the Divine originally intended for you. That is a scary proposition because becoming the self that the Divine originally intended often wreaks havoc on the fabric of social, family, and religious relationships.
But, I can tell you that over the course of the last few years, I can see how the Divine is helping me see who the Divine intended for me to be. It is quite different than what I was expected to be.
Becoming the self that I am supposed to be has not been easy. It has been quite challenging. But, finding the peace that comes with knowing my true self is so worth the effort that I would gladly do it all again.
My new self retained the core of its created nature, made in the image of God, known as Jehovah, later I covenanted myself through the New Covenant found in Messiah Jesus, that the Spirit moves and operates, and still retain that the Scriptures contain valuable truths for righteousness.
But my new self looks nothing like my old self. I adorn myself differently. I see the church differently. I see marriage differently. Things I once held important have fallen away.
My new self will have two wives, more children, and the ability to have an impact on faith that my old self could only dream of achieving.
Blessings and Shalom