Installment 85

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On January 2, 2014 I engaged in interactive prayer. I was led to use my tallit, remove my socks and shoes and give a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who blesses his work and blesses the letter I sent and the recipient thereof. The Divine responded:

Yes and no.

Curious way for the Divine to begin, don’t you think? So consider as the Divine continued:

Yes I did bless your letter and the recipient thereof,

That seems to be affirmation of the blessing that dealt directly with my situation. But what does the Divine convey about “blesses his work”? The Divine conveyed:

but as for my work, I never bless it, it simply is because it flows from me, my throne, it receives blessings from others. My work, which comes from me does not need my blessing for it is me,

I am not sure how my reader interprets that, but for me that was truly revelatory. So consider how the Divine continued:

work that goes from you to achieve my will needs my blessing, because while you are one with me, you are not me, but you are in me.

Reliance on the Divine is how we as believers would identify that. I am not certain to what extent anything is or is not the will of the Divine, and I think that is a constant struggle for all who believe. But the concept of being one is important.

Later in the prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Today, Rachel was born. She did not even know she existed until that letter. Pray for her.

Later in the prayer, the Divine added:

My son, your wife is now born, and she is on her way. Just as you and Esther were scared, and are scared from time to time, so is Rachel.

Those are part of the reasons why I really thought that Rachel referred to that lady in 2013. But here I sit in 2016, July, the beginning of the last half of the year – zip, zero, nada, nothing, not a peep from her. I will share more about that as the Installments unfold.

 
On January 03, 2014 I again engaged in interactive prayer. I was led to use my tallit, to allow my shoes to remain on my feet, and to abstain from giving a blessing. I began: I am here father, what would you like to share with me? The Divine responded:

Nothing.

My reply: Nothing? The Divine responded:

Nothing.

What is one to make of such a thing? All I could do is ask a question: Why? The Divine responded:

You are not ready.

In light of the ridiculous things I had done, that was odd. So I asked: What do you mean I am not ready? The Divine responded:

You are not ready.

Twice now, the same thing. In my prayer, I made a note that I was thinking about the word ‘ready’. So I asked: How do I get ‘ready’? The Divine responded:

That is what you should be asking.

My reply: Okay. How do I get ready? The Divine’s response:

Buy a bassinette.

I was perplexed, I replied: You mean a literal baby bed, I need to find one and buy it? The Divine responded:

Yes.

I responded: That sounds weird. When do I buy it?

The Divine responded:

As soon as possible, that best fits your schedule.

So I asked: Is this a ‘sooner the better’ situation? The Divine responded:

Yes, it is. Do [this] as quickly as possible.

I then asked: Okay. What type should I buy? The Divine responded:

One that your heart is drawn to.

If what I had done the previous few days had not been ridiculous enough, I was now led to buy a bassinette. What is one to do? At least this time the Divine’s leading only involved me talking with Mary and our journey uptown to purchase a bassinette. By dusk that evening it was purchased. To this day, it sits unpacked, in its original package in our house.

That evening I prayed. I was led not to use my tallit, to retain my shoes, and to give no blessing. I began: Abba, thank you for today, I truly did not realize how buying the bassinette would make me feel. The Divine responded:

I know, but I did, and that is why you were not allowed to ‘shop’ online. I wanted you to experience it.

Interesting. Is it not? The Divine added:

[Y]ou have two lovely wives who need your attention, and attention you gave them today, and learned something about yourself in the process.

What I learned is that it actually felt pretty good to shop for a child. Regretfully, I did not have that feeling twenty-something years ago. Way back then, I was in a way different place, with tremendously different goals.

In my prayer, I asked: So, what am I to do next? The Divine responded:

Wait. Wait. I’ll tell you, but not tonight. Talk with me after you wake up tomorrow. Then you’ll see, you’ll know.

I prayed inquiring about Mary and my family, then the prayer closed. The next morning I prayed.

Prayer led me to understand some things about my family. In the prayer I stated: I am nervous about the answer [to the letter], but today what do I need to do to be ready? The Divine responded:

Nothing, not today. You know why. Today is shabbat, you rest. Tonight, at havdalah, be ready, be ready for more, you will like it and be amazed.

So that evening we went to services. During praise and worship I engaged in interactive prayer. I was led to give a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who reveals each step of the way. The Divine responded:

Ah! Yes. That is so true.

Later in the prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Son, tonight it happens, you will be contacted, nervous she will be.

Because of what happens that night, I want to be clear about something. Havdalah services begin around sundown. This night was January. The sun sets early. I did not record the time, but it is safe to say that services began somewhere in the 7 o’clock hour, which means I was probably praying in the 8 o’clock hour.

In the prayer, the Divine added:

This will happen, fear not. This is important.

That seems fairly inconsequential. The Divine clearly saying that the lady to whom I had written would actually respond to my correspondence that very night. In fact, she did, email arrived in my inbox at 10.47 pm. Clearly her email arrived well after my interactive prayer from earlier that evening.

In the prayer, the Divine continued:

Be honest, be revealing, be open, for honesty, true honest heart is what she needs, maybe not what she wants, but what she needs. Trust me.

For me, I took that to mean that the email would open a dialogue. That is what I was hoping for. The Divine continued:

You will leave an impression, an impression that will forever change her. This is okay, and to be expected, be gentle she is scared and timid, no matter how she appears or projects herself.

For me, I read that as conveying open dialogue. That left me hopeful, so hopeful that I basically ignored those final thoughts.

Well, about two hours after the prayer, she sent an email. From my prayer, I was expecting dialogue. The email was terse and succinct. Yet, in many ways, it fit my interactive prayer.

Regarding her contacting me, the Divine conveyed “this will happen, fear not” meaning that she would contact me, and she absolutely did contact me. The Divine also conveyed “no matter how she appears or projects herself” that I should be honest, revealing, and open. From that then, it seems that I should have replied to her email. But, I didn’t.

The main thing I interpreted from her contact was a door closure. She presented an absolute attitude in the email. There was only one statement in the email that truly seemed out of place, but other than that, she presented that there was not only no door but no bridge, and if either existed, the bridge was burned and the door welded shut.

If she was open to dialogue, even if just barely, I didn’t see it. I considered how she presented herself with imposing declarations, and did not continue any correspondence. For me, her words were abrupt and intimidating, making her appear completely closed.

Yet, when I consider that the Divine conveyed that I should not have fear, perhaps, I should have responded, being honest, open, and revealing. But I didn’t. In essence, in a way, I didn’t really trust the Divine. I trusted my own eyes, my own understanding, which means that if those things were what she actually needed, then I failed.

But as I have conveyed in other places throughout “My Story” I wasn’t really even settled in my own heart. I have experienced many additional things since then, some with family, some with friends, some with religion, some with the Divine, some with my own meditations. Who knows how it would play out now, I simply know that my own heart is no longer preoccupied with how people judge me.

However, back then, the next day, I engaged in interactive prayer. I began: I am not mad at you. I am not technically angry with Rachel. But what gives? The Divine responded:

I told you the ride would get bumpy.

Fine. I accept the bumpy ride. But that email sure failed to meet my expectations. In my prayer, I wrote: I know Abba, but that reaction is not what I understood to be. You told me to believe. I thought I was to believe in the positive, to look at the positive side[.]

However, for me, as I have gone through this material in order to write “My Story” I can see that thinking was done not being fully aware of other concepts that the Divine led me to understand, like things from Installment 84: “pain manifests itself in various ways” and “she does not like how she feels and will let you know” and “things do get bumpy from here. ‘All’s fair in love and war’ as the saying goes.” Even here in this Installment: “no matter how she appears or projects herself.”

But back then, I don’t think I even saw it. So when her email came through, I expressed myself in the prayer, then asked: What gives? The Divine responded:

This is my plan.

So I asked: Your plan for what? The Divine responded:

Her.

I asked: In what way? The Divine responded:

I want her to stretch beyond her understanding to accept the possibility she is wrong.

If that was the purpose, I had one question for the Divine: Why me? Why not someone else? The Divine responded:

You’re the only one brave enough.

My thoughts, as I wrote them into my journal for prayers: or stupid enough. The Divine responded:

You’re not stupid, but you are crazy.

Well that is not how I want to be described, I can assure you. So I asked: As in looney toony padded cell type? The Divine responded:

No.

That was actually quite refreshing to hear. But the Divine continued:

But you have always taken risks. This just happens to be the greatest risk you’ve ever taken.

Risks. I have been known to take some. While I don’t like heights, because it can make my head swim, when on land, I really don’t fear too many things. I jumped bicycles. Climbed playground equipment and trees, drove go-karts, mini-bikes, among other things. I got bumps, bruises, stitches, broken bones, broken cars, and tickets. Risk was somewhat a friend of mine. But those kinds of risks were things I set aside.

But I still took risks in business. I didn’t mind challenging my bosses, plans, and group think. And I still took risks in the church. I challenged the teachings, willing to make a stand when others wouldn’t. I had one fellow comment that he knew one thing for certain, I was not a yes man.

Well, I definitely took another risk. A risk that I don’t think very many men would take. So I look at it like this: three strikes and you’re out. I went up to bat, swung the bat three times, the third being that last letter. I really did think she was the one.

In her favor, if I were her, I would have been “What the hell? Who does this guy think he is?” It takes bearings of chromium steel to be so audacious. But that is part of who I am.

In her behalf I can understand her response. In her place, I probably would have responded the same. I probably would have closed the door. So for that, even though I think she was somewhat brash and terse and authoritatively assertive, I believe it is proper to forgive her for that presentation.

But to return to my prayer, I asked: So, what am I to do now? The Divine responded:

Nothing.

I inquired: Nothing? The Divine responded:

Nothing. Leave the rest to me. Have no more dialogue with this woman, ever.

And that is where I remain.

As far as I know, she closed the door. I respect that. Here’s what I mean.

There have been various times in my life that tension has built in my relationship with someone. Of late, it has been with family. Some members of my family have closed their doors to me.

They will claim that it is me, but it isn’t. For them, for them to reopen the door to our relationship they expect me renounce everything that I have experienced, taught, and the direction I am going in my life. I am not going to change the direction of my life, because I am committing no sin.

Therefore, I am not going to stand at their door and beg for entrance. If they want to resume their relationship with me, it is up to them. They have to resume their relationship with me knowing that they are going to accept me as I am.

That does two things. One, it shows them that I am not going to beg for their involvement in my life.

Two, it consistently demonstrates to them that I respect their decisions, since they closed the door, the door stays closed until they open it. In this regard, there is NO other choice for me, because I cannot open that which they have closed.

Truly, I worked on the belief that she was the one. I behaved properly. It was a risk to write her asking for permission to talk with her. But she closed the door and the door remains closed.

Candidly, when her email arrived, her response angered me. It took me some time to get over that, because I really expected something else.

But like I mentioned previously, I hold nothing against her, not ill will, nothing. Why should I?

Since the Divine has led me to see that love has to be in every part of life, love not only lets go of the anger that the email response stirred, but love also knows that she has to determine for herself what she wants. At that time, she chose something else. Today, I have no clue where she stands regarding those events, and it’s not mine to know.

Since then I have moved forward. And interestingly, a few months later, there would be another woman whom Mary and I would interact with. From that lady’s comments, she believed and I suspect still believes, in multiple wives. But it was our belief regarding religious direction that brought our discussion to a close.

However, as I said earlier, I really believed that lady from 2013 was the one. At that time, she said no way. Yet here it is years later and she may have changed, but from the experiences of that moment, I have no way of knowing.

Currently, Mary and I are still monogamous, but I expect that to change. If, for some reason, that lady from 2013 changed her mind, then we welcome contact from her. But upon the Divine’s leading, I personally cannot do anything to reinitiate contact with her. If contact is to be made, she has to do it. Either way, I still look for the lady whom the Divine refers to as “Rachel”.

One last thing before I close this installment. To this day, the Divine’s leading about the letter amazes me. I was led to write. I wrote. I was led to send. I sent when the Divine said. The Divine said I’d get a response. Then the response was received. To learn of it ahead of time and then experience it totally amazed me.

No matter how that particular moment settled out at that time, I did learn one thing, the Divine was definitely leading me, especially when one learns that something is going to happen before it happens. This comforts me.

Blessings and Shalom

2016.07.18

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