Installment 89

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After stepping away from driving a school bus, I began helping my son complete his courses for High School, and began my adjustment to being at home. I spent time reading the Gospel of John, along with other Biblical studies, learning more about myself, as well as spending time in prayer and mediation.

On March 22, 2014, I spent time in prayer at Havdalah. I was led to give a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who gives light to new day. During that prayer, the Divine encouraged me to talk with my wives, by writing to them.

I wrote to Esther:
Esther. My darling, the light of my world, I love you. I need you. I am so pleased that you are forever at my side. I want us to love and love forever, having children, raising a family. I will give you my love, my devotion, my unfailing service. I love you.

The Divine responded:

Good now for your other wife.

I wrote to Rachel:
Rachel, I love you. I don’t know how God gave me this love, I just know he did. I feel it. I know it. I ask you to listen to him, he will lead you. When you choose, I give you my undying service, my love, to be yours, and to help you. I love you.

The Divine responded:

Good. More.

I continued:
You, my love, I will cherish. I look forward to having children and family, raising our children, helping them find God, Jesus, and their own faith, helping them learn their walk.

The Divine responded:


But, for me, what is interesting is how the Divine continued, conveying:

Now my son. They are yours.

The son part, I can understand. I can understand how Mary, whom the Divine has referred to as Esther, is mine, not in the sense that I own her, but that I have dedicated myself to her. But it is the “they” that makes me scratch my head.

As I have expressed in other places, Mary and I are still the two of us. We expect that to change. But here it is July of 2016 and we still have yet to meet the lady that the Divine refers to as Rachel. So that above statement is perplexing. However, the Divine continues being perplexing:

Forever. Forsake them not. Look not to the left, nor to the right. Go not to the left, nor to the right. Swerve not from your path and they will always love you and you alone.

The Divine begins with a lengthy word. As it applies to Mary (Esther) I can appreciate that time, for I really don’t ever want to be apart from her. As far as I know, I haven’t swerved from my path with Mary (Esther), I have not forsaken her.

But, the Divine applied it to both, and I have yet to meet the lady called Rachel. Since that is the case, I feel that the Divine left me with a mystery. In the prayer, the Divine continued:

Now is the time. Now is the day. Now the marriage, the work, begins. You are now on your way. Pay attention for the time is now, now, be ready. Amen.

My reader should recall that about two weeks prior to this interactive prayer, I stepped away from driving the bus. Like I have said previously, Mary and I are still us, so what exactly did the Divine mean by “now” yet conveying that I should “be ready”?

From there the Divine continued:

Now my son, your family needs you, your help, your guardianship, your leadership, your instruction, instruct them, guide them, lead them, serve them and you will be amazed, always impressed with them and their abilities, and the gifts I give them and how they use those gifts. Be diligent. Always.

Did my family need me? Yes.

For me, it was somewhat of a difficult transition from workplace to homeplace. NOT that the homeplace is bad, it’s not, the home is a wonderful place to be. But prior to that change, I had been in the workplace since I was probably 16, that is at least 25 years. Twenty-five years of work routine and then suddenly not having that routine was strange, and it took me some time to acclimate.

The things that the Divine conveyed, I can see how they were part of the new environment at the home. The operational dynamics of the home changed. NOT that the operational dynamics were bad before, it’s just that I do things differently, not necessarily better, just differently, and that alone took the family some getting used.

But, as far as me being amazed, I am. I am continually and pleasantly surprised by the manner in which my daughter and my son have come to interact with their individual lives and the manner in which they conduct themselves. I am truly pleased to be their father.

As for Mary, this is the first time she has been the primary person bringing home the income. That alone is a massive shift. Becoming the sole income is difficult. There is a burden that person carries that none other carries. This is why my goal is to have a home and a relationship that she wants to come home to, it’s crucial, the world and workplace is a cold, uncaring environment, even though associations can become friendships.

The Divine continued:

You, my son, know the work in front of you, you can do this, do it.

That may sound unnecessary, but I guess it was more needed than I’d like to admit. To know the work that one has in front of them is not always enough. I had come from years dedicated to work, the work varied, but me questioning myself about being able to do it never occurred to me.

At first, I was quite disoriented. Tired. Sleepy. Stayed in bed. Went back to bed. But somewhere, I don’t know when, but somewhere about six to eight months into this new environment the need to sleep went away. For that, I was grateful. I am sure that speculations abound as to why I slept, but I will assign my need for sleep to the previous early to work, late to home work schedule of split shift work bus driving.

But I have to admit, I have struggled with staying at home. NOT because the work is hard, it’s not. NOT because the work is easy, it’s not. The work is simply different. The pace is different. The dynamics are different. The responsibilities are different. Everything is different.

The biggest issue I have with working in the homeplace is the concept of accomplishment. When in the work force, there is the measurement of accomplishment from awards to pay raises, from new jobs to advancements in a career. There is none of that in the home.

So the manner in which one measures their value and their contribution really has to find new ways of being measured. It’s not even accurate to begin calculating the contributory salary/wage of the homeplace person. From these two years of being at home, I have come to understand why stay-at-home persons feel devalued or undervalued.

There is no appropriate way to measure to value of the person who remains at the house to take care of the house. It is a unique venture. It is a business, but not. It is a restaurant, but not. It is a hotel, but not. It is a cleaning service, but not. It is a recreational facility, but not. It is a therapeutic facility, but not. All of those things are off-shoots of the original home.

A family used to build cars, now it’s a business. A family used to have special recipes, now it’s a restaurant. A family used to house guests, now it’s a hotel chain. A family used to host games, now it’s a recognized sport. A family used to specialize in cleaning garments, now it’s a dry-cleaners. A family used to be the place people went to relax, now it’s a spa or entertainment. A family used to help emotionally, physically, and spiritually heal, now it’s all farmed out to persons who specialize.

Without doubt, the marketplace is derived from the home, and the people in it. But no one seems to recall that. At one time, surnames referred to the occupations of the family, like Smith, because the family were, by trade, smiths, who worked metal. So the home is a fabulous place that many of us have lost contact with.

What is my work?

To rekindle the purpose of the home, it is the bedrock of an individual’s health and well-being, likened unto a garden. So consider that the Divine continued:

It is not a sacrifice when one loves, nor is it duty, it is love, love knows no constraint, no boundaries, love, love, love, love always and you will be amazed, be a marvel unto those around you.

This is talking about love for the family business, not a family business as we have come to understand it, but the business of family, to BE family.

I feel like I have to state it in that fashion, one, because that is the motif that helped me to see the importance of what I am doing; two, to show that how the male devotes himself to the family is a different type of love than the love of the female, one style of devotion is NOT better than the other, but they are certainly unique.

I can build something, and repair other things, but that is not my specialty. The gift of seeing how a machine works or the proper schematic to make something work was given to others.

But, for me, I have always had a knack for business, always. I analyze success, incorporate winning strategies, and find success, especially when it is something that one, I love; two, I have others who have the same vision as I. As such, I aim to build a successful family.

It’s NOT a business, but a successful family does not simply appear, a successful family is a constant assessment of multiple factors. But the biggest and most essential part of family is that family has to feel love, and when it feels love, that is the beginning of success.

The Divine continued:

Do this. Do this with all your might. Give up not.

So I am aiming to do this. It wasn’t easy to come to terms with my self and what I had chosen, even though I believe with all my heart that God helped lead me to this.

Have I done it with all my might? Not at first. It wasn’t that I couldn’t, it was that I wasn’t ready, because I was still trying to figure out “me”. But that changed come January 2016. I am no longer trying to figure out me, I know me, I am now trying to get my life in gear.

Have I given up? Not really, but there have been moments, especially when I was fighting with myself, that I wanted to give up. Sometimes, the only thing that got me through was a mustard seed’s worth of faith.

The Divine continued:

Always, always, always fight, fight for those whom you love.

This is something that I cannot fully convey. I do fight for those I love. I think that is one reason why it has taken me so long to come to terms with my self and how my self relates to the remainder of my family.

Because I love my family, I worked trying to have them come to terms with me, to accept me. Well, the best I have been able to achieve is understanding. Understanding is something, but understanding is not necessarily acceptance.

What does my future hold for me and the remainder of my family? It is anyone’s guess. But I know who I am, what I want, and the value of that which I want. That is one reason why I have defended Mary on several occasions when others have tried to belittle her or demean her. My wife means way too much to me to let other people and their judgmental attitudes tear her down.

And I will always fight for the beauty of my wife Mary and my wife “Rachel”, our family and our children. That doesn’t make us perfect, it just makes the family that I have been given extremely valuable to me.

The Divine continued:

Your love is deep, vast, immense, and immeasurable. You will never find the end of your love. Love always, endearingly, forever, and ever. Amen, amen, and amen.

That is a humbling thought. But it is a beautiful thought as well. I am glad to know that my love has no means by which it can be measured.

That doesn’t mean that I want more than two wives, no. But I do want the wives that the Divine said I would be blessed with. And I am glad to know that these two ladies and our family will always be abounding in the love that the Divine described.

The Divine closed the prayer with this:

This message is over. Share with your wives. Amen.

So, that information was primarily for three people, and only three people, Mary, whom the Divine has called Esther, the lady the Divine has called Rachel, and myself.

I share this prayer because it represents a huge moment in the development of my life. From that prayer to today is about twenty eight months. Some of the things that have changed are:
– helped my son finish High School,
– helping my son repair his vehicle (we’re almost back on the road),
– having better acceptance of myself,
– being more comfortable with being home,
– accomplishing some repairs on my cars and home,
– accomplishing some translation work;
But, as far as any progress toward a marriage with two wives, nothing has changed at this point.

In a sense, work did begin, because I can see the work that has been accomplished over those ensuing months. I continued helping my daughter, working on my relationship with Mary working on myself, my Bible studies, and my websites.

The work continues. I have been doing some repairs to the house. I have continued writing “My Story”. I have helped Mary get her RX-8 repaired.

I am prepping my heart for this new life. I am anticipating meeting Rachel. I am thinking about how this larger house will look and how it should be organized, things like work, vacations, education, spiritual and emotional development.

The manner in which I lived my life had its success. But the life that sets before me, which I am cultivating as I write, has not yet been written, which means we can write a tremendous, beautiful, successful, healthy, loving, and rewarding family that will endure for generations yet to come.

Blessings and Shalom