On August 9, 2014 (Month 5 Day 12), I prayed during Havdalah. I began: Father, I am here. The Divine responded:
Yes, my son, you are
Interesting, is it not, that the Divine takes the time to recognize that I am at that moment in prayer. The Divine continued:
and so is she.
Why the Divine added that is beyond me. I don’t even understand what significance it had. But the Divine continued:
Listening quite well, indeed, she will soon be ready.
I don’t even have any idea what it might have meant back in 2014. It is now 2016, I am still baffled. So, in the prayer, I replied: Father, forgive me. The Divine responded:
Yes, my son.
I continued: The message just seems so well timed.
What I meant by that, I have no clue. But the Divine responded:
What does that mean? I am not sure. So, in the prayer, I replied: It just seems too easy. The Divine responded:
Is anything too easy for me?
That response is not the issue. The issue is that I don’t understand why I even had the interaction that I did. However, the Divine continued:
I have spoken. Have I not?
I am supposing that directly refers to so much I have experienced in my prayers. But there is so much that I can relate that hasn’t come to pass. So what am I to make of it?
All I can share with you is how the Divine continued:
Then it will, shall, be done. Amen?
In my prayer, I replied: Amen. But here it is 2016.
To what did I amen? The entire dialogue is vague.
Consider that in Genesis it reveals that Abram was told about promises. I am not knocking the narrative, I am not disparaging the faith, simply notice that promises to him are fulfilled in his children.
Yes, to Abram, then the same man was renamed Abraham by the All Mighty, the promises were given, and Abraham did eventually have the promised son. But the fulfillment of those promises were not found in Abraham.
The promises were not fulfilled in Isaac. The promises were not fulfilled in Jacob, who was renamed Israel. The promises were not fulfilled in the twelve sons of Jacob.
The promises of the land were fulfilled 400 or so years after the promise was given to Abram/Abraham. That is the telling of the Exodus and Mount Sinai, but that is not even the fulfillment of the promises, it’s only the initial stages. The promise is not fulfilled until Joshua leads the people into the Promised Land.
So what does it mean that the Divine has spoken and it will be done? The answer might be something entirely different than what I might suppose it to be.
As I have expressed to Mary, just today: there was a time that I knew, I didn’t know everything, but I knew I knew something, any more, I know very little, sometimes nothing.
At least back then, life was easier. I knew what I had to do. Get up. Go to work. Five times a week. Wake up Saturday. Work some more, rest maybe. Wake up Sunday. Go to church.
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. That cycle went on until I was nearly 40.
Near forty, the only change was that I began meeting with Messianic believers who gathered at Synagogue on Friday nights through Saturday nights, having various service times, meeting various needs. So Sunday became a day of some more work, with maybe some rest.
The walk of faith is not what I was taught. I was taught the walk of sight. Routine dedication, routine action amounted to faith. Quite frankly, that is not faith. That is simply routine action. Good comes from it, but it’s not faith.
Faith is trusting the Divine when it makes no sense, to keep praying even when the prayers seem to go unanswered. That is faith.
I have tried to keep my faith. I have. But I will be candid, as the years have progressed, and I have had conversations with other believers, and I have spent time meditating on these things and spent time reflecting and investigating, I have learned why those who have had faith lose that faith.
Have I lost my faith? I can’t say yes. But I can say that my faith wavers.
Returning to the prayer, the Divine added:
Then listen. Tonight, this day, she is on her way, on her way to you this day.
That was 2014. That night, that day, have long gone. It is now 2016.
In the prayer, the Divine continued:
Now that may seem far fetched, but it is not.
At this point, I have come to understand, to a great degree, the difficulty of Abram’s (Abraham’s) walk. To truly believe requires something that I think I had, but I think I am losing.
In the prayer the Divine continued:
Her heart is seeking you, yes you, amazing is that search, and find you she will.
Again, it all seems to point to the one that the Divine identified as Rachel. But if she was (is?) truly seeking, I haven’t heard one iota. So for me, I have no clue what any of this means.
Have I lost faith? I can’t say yes, but I sure don’t understand any of this. So let me give attention to a part of the prayer that is easier. Later the Divine conveyed:
Now, here is what you shall do.
So there was something the Divine wanted me to do. Gratefully, it was something that I feel that I could attain. The Divine conveyed:
Study, and study well, the things you tell, the things you have learned, share them and share them well, yes well.
That is what I have done. I study the Scriptures. I have shared what I have studied. It might irritate some, but I present.
How easily it is for many believers, people of faith, and bible students to castigate, deride, ridicule, and show rudeness, offer personal abuse, and otherwise impugn others who believe, who have faith, and study the Bible.
Against that typical behavior of so many ministers, pastors, and typical religious leaders, I actually do my very best to be upright in my presentation. By that I mean that I don’t throw insults to those who believe something that seems unsupported by Scripture.
Throwing insults does not persuade, but plenty will throw insults at me. It is an amazing problem, solved only through humility. Each of us who believe are nothing more than a person trying to understand the Divine, but we, as believers, sure are quick to bemoan and belittle those who do not see or understand the Divine as we think we do.
Returning to the prayer, the Divine continued:
Hearts are amend, hearts will mend, speak well, speak life, do tell, all’s well, yes all’s well.
Even though I struggle to understand what is happening to me, and to retain faith that something is actually happening with the lady the Divine refers to as Rachel, I have to believe the above, I have to believe that hearts will be mended and are on the mend, because that is the beginning place of better things.
I try to do my best to speak healthy things, especially as I write and interact with other believers. But when it is myself, discussing things in private with my wife, sometimes, quite candidly, I don’t have the ability to speak life.
My doubts arise. The struggles that I have had during this process arise. The criticisms of others arise. It is so completely easy to focus on that negativity, because the emotional forces against having faith and confidence in the Divine are many. So consider that in the prayer the Divine continued:
My son, life is beautiful. Have you created beauty?
That is an amazing and important concept. So the Divine continued:
You have. Then you stop.
As I have said, I have doubts. The criticisms from family, supposed friends, supposed believers. Of course, all people are always well meaning individuals, all who actually want the “best” for me. But they can’t help but tear down.
It’s a constant barrage. Even when they are not present with me, their criticisms have taken root in my mind. It is a constant effort to pull out those weeds of skepticism and suspicion. Sadly, there are moments that those things overgrow my belief.
That is when I stop creating beauty, because I have to remove that which is ugly, and removing the ugly is time consuming, and the brevity of life becomes all too apparent.
Odd then, is it not, that the Divine continued:
Stop not [creating beauty], your work is not done, is not complete, and is not finished.
Candidly, there have been times that I have stopped. In recent days, in some ways, I have found myself stopped in the creation of beauty.
I write. I share. But do so while working through weeds of doubt. I have yet to see the fullness of daylight, and there are times I wonder if it will ever be seen. Yet the Divine encouraged:
Continue to create beauty, yes beauty.
I am growing tired. I want things to change. Amidst the weeds, I aim to give my best.
Before I close out this Installment, I want to present another prayer. On August 16, 2014 (Month 5 Day 19), I prayed during Havdalah. Because of the nature of the content of the prayer, I share this portion without any commentary, the Divine conveyed:
Now hear me son. Life is precious, worth more than blood, in blood is life, but life is more than blood. Life is breath, yet more than breath. So what is life? I’ll tell you.
Life is grandeur, but not. Life is sublime, but not. Life is not, but is. Life is what you make it, but not. Life is.
Contemplate that for a moment.
Powerful is it not? So what is life?
A moment? An enternity? A kiss? Longevity? Sustenance? Substance? Planets of existence? None of it, and more.
Life reaches beyond your self to grasp the infinite, sees the potential. Do you see the potential? Life is not about waking up and going to sleep. Yet life involves, and needs, both.
Life is a baby’s cry, and a baby’ suckle.
Life is a newborn, yet the love that brought it.
Life is aged, yet forever young.
Life is powerful, yet weak at the same instant.
Life, my son, is simply more than you could ever imagine.
What is your life?
Upon that question, I replied: Do I need to answer that [question]? The Divine responded:
Not tonight, reflect on it.
Blessings and Shalom