Installment 117

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I want to share some thoughts from a prayer from February 7, 2015 (Month 11 Day 18). My notes record that I was thinking of giving a blessing, but was led to not give one. So I began: I am here Father. The Divine responded:

Yes, my son, now listen.

Familiar territory, but what is conveyed later in the prayer is what intrigues me. The Divine conveyed:

…over yonder hill sits wounded soldier still,

First, for me, this sounds poetic. So what is meant by “over yonder hill”? Is it metaphoric? It is actual? All that I can see is that it is some place yonder, something some distance away.

What is over yonder hill is a wounded soldier. So, again is this a metaphor? Actual? Yet the prayer expresses that this soldier is wounded. So I ask: what wounds does this soldier have?

But what intrigues me the most is that the soldier “sits… still”. Not that the soldier is still on the other side of yonder hill, but that the soldier, in their wounded state, sits motionless.

Did the wounds immobilize the soldier? Are the wounds simply causing the soldier to set in silence, pondering their situation?

The prayer seems to have offered me very few clues. So it is of interest that the Divine continued:

quiet, crying,

From this, there are two things. The soldier is sitting in silence. That does not seem to be stunned silence, just not having the ability to speak because of whatever happened.

The second is the soldier is crying. It doesn’t seem that the soldier is crying heavy sobs of pain, just that the soldier is lamenting their situation.

upset is she,

From this part of the prayer, it is revealed that the soldier is not masculine, but feminine, and turns the prayer in a way that was unexpected.

But this feminine wounded soldier is distressed in some way, maybe not suffering in agony, but simply saddened, troubled at the wounds and the development.

The poetic style of the prayer makes it extremely difficult for me to be specific other than simply describing possibilities. Because of that, it helps that the Divine continued:

drowning in tears of sorrow’s glee, glee no more, for more cannot be,

This is where the prayer unfolds in a way to reveal what the feminine wounded soldier is experiencing tears of sorrow. But the prayer does not reveal what caused the sorrow.

The truly odd thing for me is the phraseology: tears of sorrow’s glee. For me, the sorrow the wound soldier feels is causing her tears. But what caused the sorrow remains unknown.

But, in particular, the phrase “sorrow’s glee” is difficult, truly poetic. The word glee indicates delight and merriment, but that seems contradictory to sorrow. So it seems that somehow sorrow is taking delight in the soldier’s wounds.

If that accurately describes the poetic picture, that not only is an emotionally difficult place to be, but it also clearly reveals why the wounded soldier is drowning in tears.

That drowning may not be heavy sobs, but simply a continual tear that is being shed, the constant stream of tears running from the soldier’s eyes, because the soldier can find no relief.

Yet there is the thought “glee no more”. If I understand the poetry correctly, this seems to indicate that the soldier’s sorrow will be coming to an end because “more [sorrow] cannot be”.

It seems possible that the poetry could express that the soldier feels sorrow because the wounds have provided their hurt, and the soldier feels that as one who has been wounded that there is nothing more.

But that does not seem to be harmonious with the prayer. If my understanding is correct, then the solider has experienced all they have to experience, which gives the soldier some hope. So it is even more intriguing that the Divine added:

but be she will when she finds thee looking onward still.

In the poetry of the prayer, the soldier was sitting still, wounded and weeping, expressing grief at how things unfolded, but the sorrow had run its course.

The soldier is finding that the sorrow was waning, discovering that there are things still to be, especially when the soldier “finds thee looking onward still”.

Again, this is poetic, but since the prayer was given to me, I assume that “thee” is me. I also assume that “looking onward still” is me looking onward at the direction of my life and becoming a man with two ladies.

How does that affect the solider? The prayer continued on to convey thoughts about “bringing her in”. So here are some thoughts.

Personally, for me, these last few years have been extraordinary. These years have brought events I would not have ever dreamed I would experience.

But here is what I know. I cannot go back to where I was. That disappoints many. In that, I do understand their dissatisfaction with how things have developed.

For my future, I will concern myself with Mary (Esther) and Rachel. Mary is here. Rachel is not yet here.

For Mary, she wants to achieve some things that she has not been able to do. Years ago, when our children were young, we made our unified decision to have her at home. In doing that, she sacrificed some professional development.

Part of what she wants is to obtain collegiate training and move into a unique occupation. Yet, she also wants to experience an expansion of our family, both in our marriage, and with children. It is my goal to help her achieve these things.

She and I have been talking, at length, about these things. We have found ourselves having traveled as far as we can where we are. We love Texas, and have enjoyed spending a sizeable portion of our lives here. But we can see how we are ready to move.

Currently, we have been looking at the Northwest part of the United States. We have been looking at Boise, Idaho. Not necessarily a place that would immediately come to mind, but after spending time in prayer, conducting research, and discussing that area, we feel that would be a great place.

What would we do there?

Establish a new life. We move there, we consider the move permanent. It’s a game changer.

But that is what we want, to change the game. We want to see our life unfold in ways that we have not experienced. We anticipate our life to involve Rachel, we just don’t know when.

What will that mean? We build a life. It’s different.

In a different area, different names, different landscape. The sun rises in the east, climbing its way over the Rocky Mountains, slowly removing the mountain’s shadow from the valley. The sun treks across the sky, finding its setting out beyond the horizon into the Pacific. A place where it is arid, but gives four seasons: Autumn, Winter, Spring, and Summer.

New names mean people who don’t know us. That makes it somewhat uncomfortable, but that newness is part of the journey.

Finding new friendships and experiences. Walking trails and sidewalks that we have never seen. Finding growth in our persons, our spirits, our lives.

We’ve come to appreciate the things that we have experienced, but we also welcome the path before us. It will have its challenges, but it will also have its rewards.

I take on faith that Rachel will find us, or that we will find Rachel. Conceptually, I have no idea what Rachel has experienced. All I can sense is that she will be part of my life and Mary’s. I simply want to be a man that they appreciate, that they look to, they trust.

Life brings hurts, hurts from places unexpected. Life brings pitfalls, from events unexpected.

I don’t know what that means for the three of us. I simply know that I want my family to know that they are loved, appreciated, and accepted, and that we work together to help each to find joy, peace, and happiness in this journey of life that God has given us.

I suppose if I could be poetic, I want a house, where my ladies sing a song of joy, rejoicing that they are happy, content, pleased, and long to come home to me and their family.

But to get there requires us to breakaway, to take a chance, make a change.

I’m not going to paint a false fairytale, because our life will have its ups and downs, its valleys and victories.

But I want us to see the beauty that sets before us, that life, especially marital and family life, do not have to be lived the way they have been presented.

God has permitted us to experience the beauty of life, and that life is beautiful to those who create beauty. In the midst of sorrow, turmoil, and let downs, beauty of life and living can be found. I want to create beauty.

All of my proverbial ducks are not in a row. That is how I used to live.

To take a chance means that some things will remain unknown, that the future is unpredictable. But by faith, I make the change and breakaway.

I simply know that my heart will not forsake my commitments. Together with Mary (Esther) and Rachel, we will achieve experiences that none of us could achieve alone.

Blessings and Shalom