Installment 136

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I want to share a dream from August 14, 2015 (Month 5 Day 29). In my journal I wrote:

Mary woke me this morning about 5.20am and I realized I was dreaming. Here is the dream.

Mary and I drove to an old abandoned gas station. It used to be a large facility, but was overgrown with grass and had cars in the grass, some on top of each other. What “caught” my attention and caused me to drive into the corner lot of the abandoned station was that I thought I saw a 1970 Plymouth SuperBird.

I drove in. Parked, I guess, because Mary and I were now out of the vehicle. I looked at the spot where I thought I saw the SuperBird and it wasn’t there. I was perplexed, I think.

And this man walked up, gave me a hug, introduced himself. I recognized him, but could not recall his name. He said my name, “David” and then I recalled his name “Dave”.

He had a slightly old build to him, early fifties, lean body weight, gray hair, his appearance made me think that he reminded me of [a coworker], whose name was Dave. I told him that the amount of metal used just in the rear end of that car was amazing, probably enough to build a [small car].

I followed him into the abandoned building. We went into the front room, that I supposed used to be used to have face-to-face time with customers, for whatever business they did, but it seemed to be centered around automobiles.

We walked through that room, and into a rather large empty room. I mean really empty. The only things there were exterior walls, the ceiling, and a few stumps that looked like they use to help hold up the roof, and gravel because the flooring was all missing.

But there were about eight to twelve people gathered in that room, sitting on what looked like pillar stumps.

At some point, I wasn’t in that room anymore, having returned outside, I think.

After writing my dream into my journal, I recorded the following:

Because of meeting Dave, I took it to mean that I was meeting myself.

The building would be my emptiness, and all that is there are squatters. I didn’t interpret the dream to mean that I would be living as a squatter, but the emptiness, the once occupied and useful place was vacant and empty, which seems to represent my personage.

Just to make it clear, I think this dream was given me because I was contemplating throwing it all away, and not moving on into this life with two wives.

I share that not because I had it all figured out, but it reveals part of the struggle I was going through, and in those struggles things that would occur like the dream.

Look, as far as I know, no one can control dreams. Yeah, might be differences of opinion on that, but I know that I can’t control what happens to my dream state. The dreams occur. I remember them or I don’t. The dreams that I remember and are profound, I write down.

I took that dream to reveal to me the empty shell that I would become if I did not pursue a life with two ladies.

For some, that might sound foolish. But I’m telling my reader, forthrightly, I truly took that dream to represent a conceptual future me, if I did not pursue this life.

Personally, I don’t want to emotionally, physically, or in any other way, dwell in a place that used to be a place of livelihood.

In the dream, the place used to be a thriving business, filled with life, cars, and people. Yet in the dream, when I visited the place, it was vacant, disemboweled, a shell, a husk, worthless, empty. Inhabited, but no one was thriving.

It did not escape my attention that the dream contained a reference to the name that I was led to understand as a reference to myself – David, which is something I had discussed way back in Installment 29.

In the days prior to this dream, I had been truly toying with the idea of distancing myself from everything that I had been experiencing. I had not seen anything come to pass – nothing.

I had my dreams. I had my prayers. I had Mary’s personal conviction that she knew her marital life would involve another woman in the marriage. But other than that, nothing. In a way, I am still waiting to see this happen.

But, in the dream, it felt like I was visiting my future self, a future self that had become an empty shell of a man. That was someone I did not want to be.

Some might think that I gave the dream the wrong meaning, but they have no clue as to my personal internal conflict and willingness to trash the leading of my prayer life.

I took the dream to mean that if I trash my prayer life, then my actual life would become trashed as well, emptied, hollowed, an old abandoned building once good for something, had become something only good for squatters.

That was NOT what I wanted for myself. That is NOT what I want for myself.

I would rather suffer the condemnation and judgments of those around me, than become an empty shell of a man. That image that I was given was nothing that I wanted, nothing.

So in the months following that prayer, I worked at changing my perspectives on things, come January 2016, even though I still haven’t seen Rachel become part of my life, my life is far better than if I would have thrown in the proverbial towel.

In fact, on the day that followed that dream I prayed. It was August 15, 2015 (Month 5 Day 30). I began my prayer:
Father, I am ashamed, deeply ashamed that I have no personal fortitude or strength to do this life. I need your help. I don’t understand why you have led me to this. I don’t understand why it seems like it is going to cost me everything, from my parents to my personal view of myself, from my choice of work to how I would do a hobby. But I told you that I would follow, and I haven’t followed. Please forgive me, and allowance to recover so that this path with your daughters, Mary whom you call Esther, and the lady whom you’ve called Rachel, will be accomplished. Amen.

The Divine responded:

My son,

You know, when you’re feeling pretty torn up over things, feeling down and not sure what to do, it is truly comforting to know that in that disarray the Divine will call me son. The Divine continued:

you mean more to me than you can currently know.

How is it possible for me to ever know my value to the Creator? Death? Sometimes I’d like to think that I could learn that information in my life, but so far, that knowledge has not been given to me.

But, it is good to know that as low as I was feeling, my value before the Divine had not been lowered. The Divine continued:

My will is not painful.

Wait! What? Are you kidding me?

Have you felt the Divine’s will in your life? The initial reaction, at least for me, was pain. It sure wasn’t something I was looking for. It sure wasn’t something I was expecting.

But since we tell ourselves that the will of the Divine is healthy, then we simply have to accept that the Divine just might tug at us in ways that make us uncomfortable. It’s true. I’m no prophet, but read about the Prophets.

The will of the Divine, painful? Apparently not to the Joseph, the adoptive, earthly father of Jesus. Joseph followed the leading from the Divine. So did Mary.

The result? Well, it’s self evident for those who believe it Jesus.

But it what is not as self-evident is the amount of social pressure that Mary and Joseph endured in order to follow the leading they received from the Divine.

They endured hardship. Why? Because they were willing to follow the leading. They probably suffered such horrible harsh treatment, especially regarding the legitimacy of Jesus’ birth as it involved Joseph and Mary’s marital relationship (John 8.41).

It seems though, that hardship and pain are pejoratives that we give to life experiences in order not to experience certain aspects of life. Consider how the Divine continued:

My will is just, not easily understood by the flesh, your flesh,

That cannot be any more succinct and directly to the point. The flesh, humanity, and I am human, does not easily understand the Divine, let alone the will of the Divine. That difficulty is a constant struggle point for many.

For me though, the Divine continued:

and you’ve been living in your flesh and not in the spirit, your spirit.

Now that is something that I have had to grow accustomed to. First, there is God’s Spirit, we refer to it as the Holy Spirit.

Second, there is living in the Spirit. The following might not be the best explanation, but for many, living in the spirit is finding one’s self spiritually in tune with the leading of the Spirit.

Third, and this is based on the prayer, learning of my own personal spirit, and how that spirit relates to me, interacts both with me and the Divine, and how these things correlate and coordinate in order to follow the will of the Divine.

It is the third thing that I don’t think I have ever heard about. Outside of Christianity, people talk about spirits and mediums and all sorts of things. But within United States Protestant Christianity, the spiritual aspect of the person takes a backseat to the practical, social, etiquette that culture expects.

But what the Divine conveyed is inescapable: “you’ve been living in your flesh and not in the spirit, your spirit.”

In that statement, both “flesh” and “spirit” are mine, referred to through the possessive pronoun ‘your’.

Some might try and parse out “not in the spirit” as referring to the Divine’s spirit and following the lead of the Holy Spirit, but that simply is not true. The phrase “your spirit” modifies the phrase that some might want to parse out and subsequently toss out.

The Divine cannot be any clearer. According to that statement, there are two parts to me: my flesh and my spirit.

I learned to use my flesh in order to see. To see the alphabet. To see the computer screen that shows me what I am typing.

But learning how to use my spirit to see is something entirely new, and is something that I am learning.

So one can live in their flesh, or one can live in their spirit, or God’s Spirit can lead one’s spirit which leads one’s body.

Contrary to the teaching of some, the flesh is not in and of itself corrupt. It is what one does with their flesh that corrupts the flesh and the spirit, but I’ll save that discussion for another time.

But after that statement, “you’ve been living in your flesh and not in the spirit, your spirit” The Divine conveyed:

This is about to change.

As I look back to January 2016, where things simply changed for me, and I consider that statement, I wonder if the change that the Divine conveyed occurred partially in January. I’m not completely certain, but I do think it was part of that change.

With all of that conveyed by the Divine, the Divine continued:

My son, to do my will costs you because you are not aware of what my will is,

You want to know something? That is exactly correct. And it is because of the following, the Divine conveyed:

you think you know, and you think you know your own [will],

And that is just as true. I did think that I knew the will of the Divine. I thought I knew the person, I thought I knew the timing. I thought I knew, and each time it turned around and didn’t come to pass. What’s more is the Divine makes it clear that I don’t even know my own will very well.

But back to the concept of cost and doing the Divine’s will. The Divine continued:

but cost comes because of blindness,

Ouch! The cost of personal pain is because of blindness within my person, because my spirit can’t see what the Spirit’s leading is.

So to remove the cost of pain, the Divine conveyed:

open your eyes to the truth, accept my leading and you will find yourself.

And that is what I have had to learn to do.

Truth is – the Divine is leading me.
Truth is – I did find myself.
Truth is – I want to have a family with two wives.

Consider that the Divine continued:

Capable you are,

Capable of opening my eyes to the truth.
Capable of accepting the leading from the Divine.
Capable of finding myself.

Want to know something? The hardest part is being willing to open my spiritual eyes to the reality that the Divine is leading me to accept not only myself but also to accept that the Divine doesn’t have a problem with a man having two wives.

What held me back? The Divine gave the answer:

but you doubt, you have fear, you have disbelief, these things are real.

Doubt. Fear. Disbelief. Those are the three things that hold back not only me, but also my reader.

Why? Because we doubt something can be true. Because we fear that what we doubt might actually be true. Because we fear we make ourselves disbelieve, so we don’t have to face our fear or our doubts.

Consider how the Divine continued:

These things stand in your way.

Not only did they stand in my way, my reader, if you are struggling with something the Divine is leading you to understand, these three things stand in your way.

So consider that the Divine conveyed:

You must learn to see, in seeing you will believe, and in that belief your mountain will move.

I had to learn to see with my spirit, my personal spiritual eyes, because through them I am learning to see things spiritually and the spiritual implications and applications of the Divine’s leading through the Spirit.

It is easy to read the Bible. That is our fleshly eyes. It is easy to study the Bible. That is our fleshly mind.

It is easy to pray to God. That is part of our spiritual side. But, it is not so easy to open our spiritual eyes to the Divine’s leading.

But, if we want the mountain in front of us to be removed, then we have to learn to see spiritually, and through our spiritual eyes we can see and in spiritually seeing we have belief.

Some believe without ever seeing physically or spiritually.

But I am one who needs to see. Since that prayer back in August of 2015, I have had to open myself to spiritual vision. I am still learning.

In the last year, I have prayed for the Divine to help me see what is happening in my life. I prayed for specifics.

Let’s just say that the Divine helped me see, spiritually see, more of what is happening. But those lessons sure never came through the means that I was expecting.

What do I see? Spiritually?

David, Esther and Rachel having a new marriage, a new family, and a new life.

Blessings and Shalom

2016.11.15

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