Installment 143

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This Installment will be a continuation of the prayer that I began discussing in the previous Installment. That prayer was from November 7, 2015 (Month 8 Day 24).

Now for something else entirely:

So in the prayer, the Divine switched gears, here is how the Divine continued:

your youth, it is passing away.

My birthday is in August. That prayer was in November. So in last year, during that prayer, I was 43.

Hmm. 43. A great number. Wished I would have remembered that during last year. I would have used it to align myself with a great race car team, and historic driver. I’m not yet 48, or 78, but… Anyhow, back to the prayer.

My youth is passing away. That is not exactly what one wants to hear. But a truth told, I always wanted to be in my forties. I looked at it as a time period when things finally hit on all cylinders. Then I arrived in my forties, and things were not as I had expected from my youth.

So what is passing away? Part of it, is the visions I had for myself from my youth. The other is my hair. The other is my physical strength. My metabolism is changing. Life is becoming different.

Here’s the crappy thing though. I am too old to be young, and too young to be old, but not quite middle-aged. The young people don’t respect me, and neither do the old people, and that makes this part of life really weird.

But back to the prayer, consider how the Divine continued:

Now, that is of no consequence, for you have already observed it,

And it is of no consequence, of no importance, no significance, no concern, however one wants to look at. The reason? Maturing into the later part of life is, well, part of life, and it is a part of life that is not afforded to some.

However, I am also looking at it this way. I consider myself blessed. Why? It is the few who get to do it all over again, have the experience of life, the wisdom of previous moments, and get to see if they can do a better job than the first time around.

I truly like my family, my wife and my children. But they are a product, if I can use that rather clinical term, of my former self. That former self had a tremendous amount of maturation to do. I approached life from a foundationally different point-of-view, and my children are affected by that, in some good ways, and in some not so good ways.

Now though, I have a spiritual maturity that didn’t exist when my marriage and my children were young. Priorities are different. Approach to life is different. I am different.

But I am also older, the youthful liveliness and vigor I used to have is changing. So consider how the Divine continued:

but this ties into our previous thought of energy.

Energy. The young do not consider it. They run here. They run there. Fall asleep. Get up and do it all over again. Me, not so much so.

Not long ago, I was spending some time with a young person, someone under the age of ten. They and I were having a grand time. What did I experience? Their energy. What did I find? I did not have a much energy as I wanted.

That became a testament to what this prayer conveyed, the Divine continued:

Your body is changing, demanding energy is its drain,

And it is changing. Sucks in a way. In another way, not so much. But life demands the resources of the body, and as I am changing, I am finding that I have to change my allocation for those demands. Consider how the Divine continued:

stay focused only on what truly matters.

Stay focused. What matters to me? The direction I am being led.

No longer am I concerned with the disorder of the church corporate, or the disorder of the world, or the arguments that ensue from that disorder. There was a time I was concerned. I participated in the debate, in the management.

But now, my age is different, my energy is different, I am different, I have chosen to focus intently on the one thing that I can give all of my energy and see a positive outcome.

Yes, there are positive outcomes that can be had by helping the church and the world, I am not negating that. I am simply acknowledging that when one recognizes that their energy level is changing, one chooses to change how they approach these circumstances of life.

Consider how the Divine continued:

Chaos matters not,

That harkens back to the first part of the prayer (see previous Installment). Without doubt, there is chaos in the world. Chaos exists in individuals, amongst families, amongst groups, communities, making itself felt all the way out into the entirety of the terrestrial plane.

The point is, there was a time that reduction of chaos was part of my expediture of energy. When I was younger, and had more energy, it didn’t matter as much that I gave of myself to those efforts. Now though, it is a different matter.

That chaos exists, still bothers me. But I have learned that some people, whether individual or groups, thrive on that chaos. Some call that chaos, drama. I won’t call it that. Chaos exists, and will always exist, that is until the Divine makes all things new, and that day will arrive, but it is not yet here.

Until then, I recognize what is, and that I have chosen to focus my attention in a different area. So consider how the Divine continued:

so expend not your precious energy upon something entirely worthless and unprofitable.

What is unprofitable? Arguments about church doctrine. Here’s what I mean.

I experienced my religious heritage. It has its doctrines. It is not going to change. I have experienced Messianic Judaism. It has its doctrines. It is not going to change.

Protestantism, Catholicism, Eastern Orthodoxy, along with religious sects everywhere (e.g. Orthodox Judaism or Conservative Judaism) all have their doctrines. They are not going to change.

Confronting that which will not change is expending my energy in an area that ultimately proves unprofitable, in a sense giving my energies to that is worthless.

It is not worthless that they have their convictions, their beliefs. It is worthless to bring my studies, my understanding to them. In a sense, it is their house, their rules, and when you are in that house, you play by those rules. I don’t live in any of those houses.

What is profitable? Helping my wife. Helping my children. Building the family I want, a family with two brides, with more children. Prayerfully drawing near to God, learning the Scriptures, continually studying the Scriptures, sharing what I have learned with those that listen. Helping my family achieve, and remaining focused.

Since that prayer, I have changed my approach to chaos. It’s not that I don’t care. I do care. I am not apathetic, or indifferent, or disinterested. But I am learning that there is only so much of me that I can give, and I am giving myself to that which I believe truly matters most in my life, and my wife, my wife to be, and my children matter most.

So I still study, I still share. But focusing my limited energy to fight for clarity and understanding in order to open someone else’s eyes is something that I no longer do. I now only plant or water, it’s all I can do.

Want to know something? That is not resignation from life, it is freedom. I don’t have to be concerned about their eyes of understanding, they do. Plant. Water. God gives the increase. Breathe, it is fresh air, for that is all, and I mean a-l-l, that I am required to do, and that gives me the ability to put my focus on the things that really matter.

As I close out this Installment, I am going to share from the rest of the prayer. Because it does not interact specifically with me about my own understanding and growth, it is more challenging for me to understand. The Divine continued:

Now my son consider this:

Okay, so there is something that the Divine wants me to ponder on. Recall that this prayer was from November of 2015. The Divine continued:

she is done.

Again, I take this ‘she’ to refer to Rachel. But what does it mean that she is done?

The Divine continued:

She is ready.

What does it mean that she is ready?

The Divine continued:

Her heart has changed.

What does it mean that her heart has changed?

It seems that all three of those things are interrelated, but what moved from done to ready to change I have no clue. The Divine continued:

She’s looking for you,

What? How is this possible?

Think that is mysterious, consider how the Divine continued:

she does not yet know this,

What? Doesn’t that seem to contradict the previous statement? How can someone be ready to look for something, but not know what it is they are looking for?

For me the confusion continues, the Divine added:

but looking for you she is,

Wait. What? That whole thing seems like a jumbled mess of confusion. Is that chaos? I doubt it, but I have difficulty understanding the purpose other than something has changed.

So here is my point. That prayer was November 7, 2015. I write this November 26, 2016. The distance between that prayer and today almost thirteen months.

So what did that part of the prayer mean? I am uncertain. All I know is that the Divine continued:

so provide evidence as to why you matter, this matters.

I have written “My Story”. Is she reading? Maybe. Maybe not. I’d like to believe so. But I have no evidence.

But then the Divine conveyed something very specific. I will keep the specifics private, because they serve as a way for me to know if I am being led. But the Divine continued:

[Feminine Name] is her name. [Feminine Name] is her game. [Feminine Name] is to blame. [Feminine Name] is of no shame.

Four statements.

The first identified her name, which I keep private because I want to know how this plays out into my actual life, if this name refers to an actual feminine person.

The second expressed that she has a disposition, a temperament, but was not specific.

The third expressed that she has a fault, something that she was responsible for, a type of culpability.

The fourth expressed that the fault contains no dishonor or disgrace, no indignity, no humiliation.

But that is not where the Divine ended, the Divine added:

Accept her name, accept her game, accept her blame, for there is no shame.

Four statements.

The first is to accept her, not accept her name like a woman accepts a man’s name when they marry, but accept her name given the Divine’s description, in light of what followed.

The second statement expressed that I accept who she is.

The third statement expressed that I accept what she has done.

The fourth statement expressed that I do all of that because there is no disgrace, no dishonor, nothing embarrassing in doing the previous three statements.

Here is how the Divine closed the prayer.

Now my son, it is time, be diligent. It matters. To your work. Amen.

Time for what? I don’t know. That prayer was last year.

All I can say is that I have been diligent to write “My Story”. I have been diligent to present my Scripture Studies. I have not been as diligent to exercise. I have not been as diligent to doing some things around the house. But I feel that I have been doing the best I can do, given my understanding.

Not knowing, not fully understanding, I continue my work, and I hope to complete “My Story” here in a few Installments, while I continue presenting my Scripture Studies, incorporate more exercise into my life, and work on the house.

Blessings and Shalom