Installment 145

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In this Installment, I want to share a few things from my prayer back on November 21, 2015 (Month 9 Day 8). I began: Father, I am here. The Divine responded:

Yes. Now listen my son, listen to me:

Again, this prayer contains something that I need to intake, in order to understand, in order to do. The Divine continued:

you are here, you have made it, a long time it took you, but you are here, not there, and a long time it took you.

What happened? I wrote in my journal:

Somewhere in the last couple of weeks, I decided to alter the manner in which I view my life, from doing what pleases me (work, achievements, etc.) to living my life, as best as I can, to actually please Mary, this is something I have not ever done, not sure how the thought came to me, but I doubt it’s my own.

 
But that was not all that I wrote in my journal.

Additionally, somewhere during the week, it occurred to me that I have spent my life a slave to worship days, whether Sunday or Saturday, and have never truly enjoyed living, so I have decided that it would be far better to live enjoying the Sabbath that God has created than slaving away. I believe I have the correct idea, because when I was meditating on this subject earlier this week, my spirit heard “Now you’re getting it.” affirming a positive direction. [Today, we] had a great big stir fry, General Tso, chicken dinner. It felt like my thoughts about [this] were to take my Sabbath, relaxing with the family, eating, and discussing God’s goodness was [what we were] experiencing. It was refreshing.

 
So I made it. Not to my life with a new marriage, but a life that was more relaxed, with a different focus, becoming the new family I want us to be, a family that enjoys the goodness that the Creator has given.

But it is the next part of the prayer that I have difficulty understanding. The Divine continued:

So listen, the next step takes very little time,

Next step? Recall that this prayer comes from November 2015. So perhaps, the next step would be what would become me telling “My Story”.

But it is not that that strikes me, it is what followed. The Divine continued:

for she is ready, both are ready, and it’s the season of gift giving, so be ready for your gift. Now open it carefully….

That what November 2015. The ‘she’ again seems to be referring to Rachel, but here it sets November 2016, and that season of gift giving came and went. So I am kind of confused here. Consider how the Divine continued:

Now my son hear me again:

That is telling me that I need to pay attention. The Divine continued:

a gift is in the air, fresh and sincere, a new year to bring,

So was the gift a new year? From that statement, maybe; but consider how the Divine continued:

but listen well,

So pay close attention. The Divine continued:

it could be pushed away,

I take it that the gift could be pushed away. Did I? I am uncertain. But consider how the Divine continued:

but don’t for I know you want this,

So I am told not to push away the gift. What is the gift? I think the Divine provides the answer, the Divine continued:

open your heart to this reality, two wives will make you well pleased,

The gift? It seems two ladies. But consider, how the Divine continued:

and I need you in this labor, for there is much to do.

Work? Is it the marriage? Will there be something else? Will my experiences be used in specific ways? None of that? Some of that? All of that?

I am full of questions, but no answers. Consider how the Divine continued:

Hear me again:

So I am to keep paying attention to this prayer. The Divine continued:

your labor is about to begin, and much labor it is,

If ‘labor’ it referred to “My Story” then I agree. The writing and telling of it has been a lengthy endeavor, requiring much labor.

I have written Installments over nearly eleven months. Hopefully, prayerfully, it will be completed within the next few weeks. Consider how the Divine continued:

but this labor is one of reward and fullness, not emptiness or vain,

If ‘labor’ referred to “My Story” then I can see how it has had its rewards. One of the most immediate is that I have been able to get a firsthand review of what happened, and seeing where I was struggling, but also where I found clarity.

Interestingly, the Divine added:

…do this labor, do it well, do it with all your might,

I have given all my might to the telling of “My Story”. I am not saddened by having done it, but it has taken more time than I had ever expected, an entire year devoted to one primary task.

Consider that the Divine added:

for in this you will find fulfillment, completeness, and purpose,

Fulfillment? Completeness? Purpose?

Well, I can’t yet say that my life has found its fulfillment, because the life that is supposed to be is not yet here, at least as I write this particular Installment.

As for completeness, I can see how the last few years have presented me with a ‘complete’ picture.

The picture was unexpected, but that information certainly has given me a direction, a purpose for my life.

The Divine then continued:

embrace this as you embraced your [Bible Studies],

You know, it’s kind of interesting, I truly embraced my time at Bible School. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go, but after prayer, I not only wanted to go, I enjoyed being there.

Did I like everything that I experienced? No. There were some things both directly and indirectly related to the studies that were unpleasant. Overall, I truly embraced that moment in my life, and have never regretted going.

Then the Divine continued:

live it out as you lived to receive your expectation,

Now that is an interesting, very intriguing thing. If ‘labor’ referred to “My Story” then I am to have shared it in a way that, once done, not only I but my reader knows what my life will be. I am eager to find out.

The Divine continued:

no labor is vain when the reward is truly sweet.

Is that not the truth? When we truly enjoy what we do, the blood, sweat, tears, and time invested are not in vain.

 
I want to share a dream. This dream comes from November 22, 2015 (Month 9 Day 9). I wrote in my journal:

Somewhere during the night, I had the following dream.

Two toes (the little toe or the one to its left, and the middle toe) of my right foot had been injured.

At first, it was just the little toe or the one to its left. But the word ‘injury’ gives a mild description, because the toenail was missing as well as the flesh, because the tip of the toe bone was sticking out, but not bloody.

Soon, either the toe to the left of my little toe or my middle toe suffered the same damage.

So I started walking, placing most of my weight on my left foot in order to favor my right foot in order to go get help and those two toes of my right foot, bones protruding, began bleeding.

Somewhere in there, I remember myself being in a standing position leaning over to someone who was sitting, grabbing their shoulders, putting my face to their face, asking them, “Do you want me to help?”

It was odd because I was both injured and asking another person if they wanted my help.

 
Fairly odd dream. So I am pleased that I made some kind of note in my journal. I wrote:

At first, I thought the dream was telling me that I was having some kind of health problems.

But [I prayed asking for help with the dream], I was led to understand that the feet belong to Rachel, she’s hurt herself, and losing her right hand strength and making the transition to left hand strength.

So she hurt her right foot, but makes a transition to the left hand. That makes little sense, unless one considers “right hand strength” referring to the right side. In that case, the right side had been injured and required some favoring.

Yet, in making the switch to the other side of the body for strength, she is still able to offer help.

So in a sense, this dream shows that while injured, she’s not out-for-the-count. Instead, while injured, she is still capable of doing whatever it was that could be done in order to help the person she offered her help to.

 
Before I close this Installment, I want to share from my prayer on November 28, 2015 (Month 9 Day 15). I began: Hello, Father. The Divine responded:

Hello son.

During that prayer, the Divine spoke of things in the terms of Baseball. Here is how that began, the Divine conveyed:

My son, here is your first moment: first base, it is the place, but it is not home. Home is best. Homerun is few and far between, but make three bases and you’re home free.

I get it, the motif of making it around the ball field. When one is at the plate, the goal, is to get to first base. One might make it a double, a triple, or even a homerun, but the goal is to get on base.

Yet no matter the base, first, second, or third, it’s a base, it’s still not home, and home is the only place where a run counts.

So, a baseball player has many turns at bat. But even the best homerun hitter has fewer homeruns than at-bats, so the homeruns really are ‘few and far between’.

Therefore, a batter’s goal is to make it to first base. If a double, or triple, great. If not, then make one’s way around the bases. All to get to where the run becomes counted.

The Divine continued, with what? Second base:

Now for second base: it’s not the place. It’s a stop along the way. Get cocky and go for third, thrown out, and dugs you go. But be patient, run at the right time, and third base is yours.

When the pitcher readies to throw the pitch toward the batter, one can lead off from second, attempting to take third base, but it’s a short throw from home to third.

So when the runner is on second, the runner has to watch the third base coach, watch the in-field, and see the plays come about. Patience can get one to third base.

The Divine continued with third base:

Now if you’re on third, you long for home, but not everyone gets there. Many-a-player hangs up at third, thrown out, or inning over. Your inning’s not over, it’s just begun. Thrown out you won’t be, cause baby you’ve made it to round three.

When a runner is on third, they definitely want to touch home plate, but many-a-runner have arrived at third just to have the inning come to a close.

What’s important in this part of the prayer is that the Divine seems to have conveyed that I am on some type of third base. In a sense, in baseball terms, I was on third base, and no outs, the inning had just begun.

Additionally, the Divine conveyed that I would not be thrown out, and that I had made it to round three. Now that terminology makes it sound like I am in a boxing match or some other sport counted in rounds.

Maybe it simply referred to me ‘rounding’ first, then ‘rounding’ second, and I had arrived at third base, that needed to be ‘rounded’. Not an exact motif, but somewhat of a semblance.

But the point is that when one is at third, home plate is the goal, and that is the next thing the Divine conveyed:

Now when you get home jubilation is in store. But not yet, forevermore, tis your celebration, for the occasion, but the occasion is not yet, but soon will be.

And is that not exactly what happens when a runner arrives at home plate? Jubilation – a fist pump, high fives, an excited jump, rejoicing.

But according to the prayer, the Divine conveyed back in November 2015, one year ago from today’s date that I was on third, and that home plate was not that close to me, but that my inning had not yet come to a close.

As I write this Installment, I simply wonder, when do I arrive at home plate?

Interestingly, that is not where the prayer ended, the Divine continued:

Never run back to the dug outs, that’s for the next turn at bat. You’re always on the field, forever at bat.

Okay, so for whatever reason, I am always on the field, trying to get around the proverbial bases, trying to get home, but home, it was conveyed, was some distance away from that prayer.

So I ask: What does it mean to be forever at bat? I take it as a metaphor, meaning that at some point, my life as I have been describing it, will come to pass, that becomes home plate.

Why the baseball metaphor? I have no clue. Maybe to express it with terminology I understand. As much as I’d like to think that I ponder and philosophize, I still need simple motifs to help me understand.

The intriguing interesting items continue, the Divine added:

Don’t look forlorn, don’t have a scorn, your time is now, and always will, because she’s looking from yonder hill.

So I’m on the field, playing the weird game of baseball where I am always on the field. You know, if the inning never comes to an end, one can begin to wonder. So I am encouraged not to appear sad or despondent, or have any type of contempt or disdain.

Why? Because ‘she’s looking from yonder hill’.

Who is the she? It has to be Rachel.

The ‘she’ certainly cannot be Mary, because she is right here with me, reading each Installment looking for spelling errors and the like, just prior to me publishing the Installment. That is no yonder hill, that is right here on the hill where I am.

What is ‘she’ doing from yonder hill? Consider how the Divine continued:

She’s been reading, watching,

Reading my Installments. Want to know why I think Rachel is reading? There it is.

Why is she watching? I don’t know, maybe I’m intriguing? Or maybe Gutsy?

Consider how the Divine continued:

and wondering, ‘who’s this guy think he is?’ to herself, and no one else,

Except for my prayer, I would have no idea about this. So, from the prayer, she has been private about this voyeurism. To her, I give a warm wave.

Yet, she can’t stop pondering me. Why? I don’t have any clue. What drew her interest to me? I don’t know.

I am me. I have made known my intent, not just with family, but with friends, and I suppose with the world.

I don’t brag. I’m not braggadocious. It’s been a long, arduous journey from there to here, and very little of it has been private, whether tears of sorrow or joy. In a sense, like a professional baseball player, I am on the ball field in front of spectators, watching my every move, and just like professional baseball players, I have my critics.

As for this anticipated marital life, I have simply headed in the direction of my prayers, of my studies, and my desires to have that life. That has made more than one person uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, I am talking about marital permissions, and that adults should be permitted to live the marriage that they want.

But back to the prayer, the Divine continued:

yet she can’t make the play because she’s afraid it’s a steal, comfort her, let her know that she’s not stealing home, and still gets a win.

I’ll tell you one reason why it’s no steal. It’s no bargain. It comes with a price, and that price is something that others are not willing to pay.

Put it in the baseball motif. There are lots of baseball players. There are few, very few, professional baseball players.

Why? Lots of different reasons.

Some simply cannot play at the level of professional baseball, so they are in the minor leagues, and some of those players do move into pro ball.

Some never get beyond yard ball. Others never beyond little league. Others never beyond high school or collegiate level. Others don’t play at all, even though they enjoy the game.

But let’s look at it on one particular level. It takes a special person to put themselves on center stage for all the fans to see. Sitting in the dugouts is easy, moving gear around. Try walking out onto the field.

Move into the batters box. Dig in. Swivel. Rotate the bat around. Find your stance.

Watch the pitcher. See the ball. Strike. Another pitch. Ball. Another pitch. Swing. Miss. Strike two.

Hearing the boos from the crowd, and the jeers trying to make you mess up.

The camera watching your stance. Sees you adjust your crotch. Sees you spit. Sees the concentration on your face.

“Arrogant.” says one person. “Great ball player.” says another. “Couldn’t pay me enough.” says another.

The guy at bat simply couldn’t be anywhere else. It’s his love for the game. Has to have it.

Maybe no hall of famer, but he’s where few ever get to be. Under the lights. Swinging for the fence, but looking for a run, trying to get home.

But it’s a high price, on the road, under pressure, lots of hate-filled jeers, and standing in front a pitcher that could throw a ball that could break your jaw, your arm, or your knee, or otherwise end your career. Fear keeps many from being on the field.

But let me talk about another kind of steal, and this one deals with home. There is a special kind of stigma that some women wear, because some women steal another woman’s man.

The prayer conveyed “yet she can’t make the play because she’s afraid it’s a steal, comfort her, let her know that she’s not stealing home, and still gets a win.”

Rachel, and this really is aimed specifically for Rachel, you are not stealing me from my wife.

You will be in the spotlight, no doubt, just like I am, just like Mary is. It is a big deal to be with me, because we will surely receive cheers and jeers, much like athletes.

But because this decision is about expanding my family it can’t be about stealing. Stealing is taking me away from the family I have. You are not doing that.

Instead, you become part of my life, just as Mary is part of my life. We make a bond among the three of us, to stand faithful.

Unconventional? Most assuredly. But the right thing for us, and that makes it a win.

A big family, but still a marriage, where we’re dedicated to each other, for each other’s well-being and spiritual betterment.

Being part of my life means that I am pleased and gratified that you chose me as your husband. It means that I will gladly and unashamedly introduce you as my wife.

There is no hiding, because there is no shame. It’s not for others, but it is for us.

I eagerly anticipate the day that my life includes you.

Blessings and Shalom

2016.11.28

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