Installment 148

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In the last couple of Installments (146, 147), I talked about coming to terms with myself and that I would actively pursue the direction that my prayers indicated.

But last year, back in December 2015, I was not yet ready. So in this Installment, I want to share some additional items from my prayers back during that time.
On December 19, 2015 (Month 10 Day 6), I prayed. I began: Father, I am here. What will you share with me tonight? The Divine responded:

This and only this: she’s ready.

Here I am in December 2016, and as I did last year, I still assume that the ‘she’ refers to Rachel.
But what does the Divine mean “she’s ready.” To me, that makes so little sense.

Back when the prayer occurred, I was not even ready, but she was. How is that? I don’t know. Was she ready back in 2015? Or is she ready now here in 2016? It is difficult for me to know.

Interestingly, in the prayer the Divine added:

Continue doing as you are, you’re fine. She needs to see your continual thoughts. This is important. Be willing to express yourself, your thoughts, your heart, your hopes.

Back in December 2015, I hadn’t even begun writing “My Story”. I had published several notes on Facebook, and like now, I posted tidbits to Facebook, but other that, I can’t recall anything.

Since I began “My Story” in January 2016, what does it mean “Continue doing as you are, you’re fine”? The same question applies to “She needs to see your continual thoughts.”

Did ‘continue’ mean continue doing what I was doing in 2015? Or does ‘continue’ mean continue what I am doing now, here in 2016?

By the way, I am thinking that I am just a few Installments short of finishing “My Story”. I am going to take “My Story” into January 2016, when I began writing it. For me, at that point, the telling will be complete.

But what was I doing that was so important? What am I doing that is so important?

The best I can tell is that I am expressing myself, my thoughts, my heart, and my hopes. I did that back on Facebook with my notes and my posts. But the expression of those things in a formal capacity came to be in the telling of “My Story”. In doing that, I have been thorough, detailed, specific, yet also generalized.

However, when I look back at the prayer, the Divine also conveyed:

You walked the road, found no toad, off to unload your heavy load.

Back in December 2015, I was not certain to what that referred. Now, however, I can tell you.

It refers to me walking the road to understand my life, who I was, who I was becoming, who I am, what it meant, the fallout, and the hope for a better tomorrow.

What did I find? A purpose to move forward. That is why I found no toad, toad referred to something that would make my life unworthy of pursuing.

Since I found no toad, since I found nothing to stop me, back in December 2015, I was “off to unload my heavy load” meaning the burden that I felt I was carrying. What did I do to unload that burden? I penned “My Story”.

Today, here in December 2016, I look enthusiastically to my life with two ladies. Mary has already expressed her desire to be there. I am simply waiting for Rachel.

Before I close out this Installment, I want to cover some things from my prayer from December 26, 2015 (Month 10 Day 13). I began: Father, I am here. Will you share something with me tonight? The Divine responded:

My son, why are you bothered so?

Before I provide the reply that I gave in the prayer, allow me to give some background on that question.

On that day, I found myself in a fairly strong and ugly argument with a brother in Messiah. That argument came to pass after many long cordial discussions that he and I had.

Up to that day, he and I had discussed lots of Biblical topics. I was myself around him. I showed him that I thought differently about the Scriptures than many. I also was willing to be free with my tongue, in the sense that I didn’t really restrain myself from incorporating vulgarity into our discussions when the time felt appropriate.

He, to his credit, is a man who is for God, wants righteousness, and powerfully stands for what he believes is accurate and true. Can’t fault him there.

But he was also a fairly new believer. Don’t recall the number of years. But his primary learning is at the feet of other church leaders.

The astute reader of “My Story” has come to realize that I have vulgarity and I challenge church leaders, just because the church teaches something, doesn’t mean that something is the truth. And I freely admit that using vulgarity is a hurdle with Christians, and it doesn’t necessarily win over anyone or inspire admiration. Sadly, Christians think one has to be sinless to be truthful. Anyway, I digressed.

The point is, he and I had several in-depth conversations about church, church life, doctrine, and whatnot. But on that particular day, the discussion became quite intense, to the point that he and I gave each other some very strong accusations, and ultimately he chose to disassociate from me.

Over the course of many years I have learned lots of things. But one of the most striking is the near complete unwillingness of Christians to consider that that which they believe could be inaccurate.

I could list several things the church is incorrect about, but I save those discussions for another day, in another forum.

The point is that he was being quite dogmatic that if Christians can’t accept certain things, then they are accepting a lie.

On one level, I agree with him. But another is that he and I were both given grace to learn the truth, as such, as much as we, he and I, want other believers to see the truth of certain things, a) we have to be patient, b) we have to make sure that what we are sharing is also the unmitigated truth.

For instance, I used to preach and teach monogamy-only. I learned differently. Does the church corporate accept that? No. What’s my recourse? I live the truth anyway, and move forward sharing the truth the best I am able. I plant, I water, because it is God that gives the increase.

So the argument between us got ugly, real ugly. In the prayer, the Divine conveyed the question, “My son, why are you bothered so?” I replied: I don’t like engaging in that type of doctrinal combat. I’d really just like to let his thoughts be acceptable, but they just don’t live up as healthy.

How did the Divine respond to my reply? With a question:


I replied with: “So?” quoting the Divine. The Divine responded by quoting my quote:


I was perplexed. I thought that doctrinal issues mattered to the Divine, especially considering that is what I was taught by the church, and almost every congregation of believers teaches that doctrine matters to God.

So in the prayer, I replied: Please explain why it does or does not matter. The Divine responded:

It matters, but in my eternalhood this is miniscule.

So I replied with a question: Worth arguing? The Divine responded:

Perhaps. But perhaps not.

Wait. What? That seems kind of indecisive to me. I am not certain I can provide any more clarity here today than what I might have understood back during the prayer.

But during the prayer, I replied: This- what about the liberty that he spies out and subsequently destroys? The Divine responded:

Is there liberty in Messiah?

To which, I replied: Yes.

The Divine’s response? An encouragement:

Then don’t worry.

It has taken me a long time to accept that I should not worry about doctrine and liberty in Messiah. When we read the NT, the Apostle Paul and the other Epistle writers are quite fond of instructing the congregations in what is the proper way.

Without doubt, there were arguments about doctrine and liberty in Messiah. That was part of the issue that spawned the Jerusalem Council (Acts 15).

Yet, Romans 14.1 says “As for the one who is weak in faith, welcome him, but not to quarrel over opinions.” And Paul tells Timothy, “guard the deposit entrusted to you. Avoid the irreverent babble and contradictions of what is falsely called ‘knowledge’” (1 Timothy 6.20). And Paul tells Titus to “avoid foolish controversies, genealogies, dissensions, and quarrels about the law, for they are unprofitable and worthless” (Titus 3.9).

So there is Scripture to support the concept conveyed in the prayer. Yet there is more than one location in scripture where the erring are chastised. But there is, I guess, a balance. And it is difficult to find that balance.

So here is what I think I have found to be the balance. If they believe in Jehovah as God, they believe in Jesus as Messiah, they believe in the Holy Spirit, then, well, understanding about Scripture, holy days, what to eat, when to worship, and such like are really left up to God to increase his knowledge within the people. The answers are there.

But here’s what I have learned too, each congregation is going to have its own flavor of doctrine. My religious heritage had its peculiarities, other Protestants have theirs, Catholics have theirs, Messianic Jews have theirs, as does any section of believers that I did not specify.

As for me, I study and I pray, but I sure don’t agree with everything any one particular brand of Christianity or any particular group of believers has to offer.

So I am learning to share my studies and thoughts, and not worry about how any other particular believer develops. Even though that is inverse of what I was taught, and inverse of what Christianity espouses.

But there was more in the prayer. In a new section, the Divine added:

Now my son, consider something else:

So while that previous portion was part of the prayer, the Divine wanted me to put my attention on another issue. The Divine continued:

today is. Today was. Tomorrow comes.

Today is, meaning I was doing that which was ‘today’. Back at the time of that prayer that ‘today’ became a was, meaning that day passed because it was completed. Therefore tomorrow must arrive.

My today that is now ‘was’ was my attitude toward the direction of my life. I know that because of how the prayer developed, later the Divine added:

When tomorrow comes, which it will, it must, shortly, that day is worth celebrating. It is a day longed for, long considered impossible, but here.

That is why I know that ‘today’ refers to my old thinking about my life, and ‘tomorrow’ refers to how I am now thinking about my life.

I long thought that it was impossible for me to be the husband for two ladies. Not anymore. In fact, I welcome it, and I do celebrate that I have made that transition.

But as of today, the date of this Installment, I have yet to meet Rachel.

In the prayer, the Divine added:

Now, this life, this new life, will be marvelous, and grand,

The new life? Me spending the remainder of my days in a relationship with two ladies. The Divine continued:

but be patient with both of them,

You know one might think that would come intuitively, but I am not certain. So I am pleased that I was given that insight.

Patience is needed. And it is up to me, as husband, to be the model of patience. Look, the relationship that I am going to live is not easy, and requires me being able to work through difficulties that others might never experience.

The Divine added:

this is more difficult than you think,

Hmm. Pause for consideration and contemplation. Difficult? Yes. Two ladies. Each a different person, wanting unique things for herself and her life.

The Divine continued:

and harder for both of them than you can realize.

I am not even certain I know how to further describe that, so I simply accept it, not knowing.

The Divine continued:

So, be their husband, and their friend, for upon you they depend,

Husband seems clear enough. Friend also seems understandable.

But how do they depend on me? That is interesting. Each lady is a part of my life because of me asking them to be.

So they depend on me to help make sure that our relationship works. It is my responsibility to help all of us through any challenges and difficulties.

That doesn’t make me anything special, it just simply means that each lady is in this relationship because of me, and that means that I have to make sure that I help each lady.

Importantly, the Divine continued with the following:

but listen and listen well, for they will tell you, spoken and not, when you’re not doing husband-ship well.

As any married man will tell you, there are vocal and non-vocal cues that she gives, and she expects her husband to be paying attention. The astute husband is in tune with his wife, or in my case, shortly, hopefully, wives.

The Divine closed out with some encouragement:

Come to me, if you must, if you need, then trust them, and me, for the blessings upon the three. Amen.

In my coming life, there will be times that I need to go pray, and learn what I should do. Here’s the way I look at it, since the Divine has brought me to this understanding, the Divine will provide clarity when I need it.

But the Divine also conveyed that I should trust each lady. Notice the prayer said “then trust them, and me” the Divine positioned the ladies first, not last. That word arrangement reveals a major area: the Divine wants me to completely trust each lady, and that she wants the best for herself, and for our relationship, even when I don’t fully understand.

But the closing of the prayer is powerful, through the Divine, and through each lady, blessings will be upon all of us.

That means it’s not about my work as an individual. In other words, this is not something for me to boast of. This relationship is something that takes all three of us, all of us bring good things to our life, all three of us give to each other to be mutually beneficial.

I have nearly completed “My Story”. I only have a few things to tell from January 2016, and the telling will be done.

But I eagerly await this new reality. And when it happens I think I might just be the happiest guy on the planet, and I want to make my ladies just as happy.

Blessings and Shalom