It has been a long journey to tell “My Story” but here we are, just days from coming to the time where I began telling that story.
So I want to share from my prayer back on January 2, 2016 (Month 10 Day 20). I began my prayer: Father. The Divine responded:
I replied: What leading will you share with me tonight?
After telling “My Story”, my reader might think that I would have understood what was happening with me. The short answer is, nope, back at the end of December 2015 and the beginning of January 2016 I was still quite tossed about.
In fact, I did not find clarity until I actually sat down to write “My Story”. In one way that’s weird because I never expected that to happen.
Going back to the prayer, consider how the Divine responded:
This and only this,
In the context of the prayer, what I am about to share was not the only thing given. So I take that statement means that emphasis was being given to that which I am about to share. The Divine continued:
your mind is astray, your heart is not,
So back in January 2016 my mind was astray, in the sense that I couldn’t get it to wrap itself around my experiences. I have explained in various ways in lots of Installments why that was the case.
The core issue, I suppose, is that when the mind is trying to understand the heart, the mind really cannot understand the heart.
I don’t know why exactly, but for me that core issue is no better visually expressed than in a fairly popular movie from 2005 about a date doctor. Toward the end of the film he goes to her place, knocks on her door, she answers, he wants to talk with her. But face-to-face, he can’t because his mind is astray even though his heart knows. He’s tongue tied, unable to articulate his thoughts. He closes the door and his thoughts flow.
The heart and mind are strange companions. The mind receives training in etiquette, mathematics, language, structure. But the heart. From where does it receive its training? So when the heart doesn’t match the mind, the mind barely finds a way to understand and the mind cannot seem to formulate the means to express the heart.
With that in mind, consider how the Divine continued:
bother not with the mind, aim for, with your heart.
Wait. What? For me, that was the inverse of how I was trained up. I was trained to aim for the mind, teach the mind, and you know, one can accomplish anything.
But I have found that is not true. One can have a mind for something and if the heart is not in it, the person will go nowhere with it. For example, one might have a mind for playing Chess, but if one’s heart is not in the game of Chess, forget it, the game is a bore.
Knowing that, then one can see the importance of how the Divine continued:
The heart is the muscle that sends the blood to your soul,
For me, that was revelatory. Probably shouldn’t have been. But it was.
The heart is what motivates the soul to do something, not the mind. The mind conjures all kinds of reasons why something can’t be done. The heart pushes one forward anyway.
Consider how the Divine continued:
that blood is life giving,
So in a sense, without the heart, the soul is inanimate.
Back at the time of the prayer, my mind kept me from moving forward. But I wanted, needed to be animated. Consider how the Divine continued:
that blood is life giving, that blood is precious,
For believers, we look at the precious blood of the Lamb, and it gives us animation to our spirit.
But think about blood on a personal level. The physical heart delivers blood to the physical body and without that blood there is no life, no animation to the physical body.
Well, the person also has a soul, what makes us who we are, making us the person we are, because when the soul, the spirit, has left the body, the body is no longer animated. So the physical body needs physical blood just as the soul needs its blood.
As I write this, I had a thought come to mind. Perhaps the reason why so many find themselves depressed is that while their physical body is animated because of their physical blood, their soul and its heart are not working well.
Oh, some believers might push belief in the Savior to fill that hole. But that fills a different need in the person.
What I am talking about is for the person to have a reason for their existence, a purpose for moving forward, to have their soul’s heart set on something that lights their fire and gives them energy in the dreariest of days.
That is a much different precious type of blood than the precious blood of the Lamb, because one can have the precious blood of the Lamb and still feel that their life does not have direction or purpose.
So the soul’s blood, being pumped through the soul by the soul’s heart gives life, animation, to the person, a reason for life and joy.
So consider how the Divine continued:
her blood is precious, your blood is precious.
The ‘her’ by now, even my reader knows, is Rachel.
So this blood of the soul is precious, about two people finding their destiny, their match. That match certainly includes a marriage that is unconventional, but to the soul, it doesn’t matter, because the blood within the soul knows that it must provide its life.
The question is: how did I move from having my mind astray to following my heart?
That is answered, in part, in the prayer, the Divine continued:
Now, my son the time has passed.
As that began, that sounds not so good. The Divine continued:
Now here me out.
Okay. So I should listen to what is conveyed. The Divine continued:
Not passed in the sense of you’ve missed the mark, passed in the sense that the time is complete, completeness is needed for time to come, so then completeness is needed for time to pass, and pass it has.
I heard out that conveyance. Confusing to some degree, but not.
Think of it like this: before a building can be occupied with tenants, it has to be built, but before it is constructed it has to be engineered, before it is engineered it has to be conceived.
So the completeness of conception gives way to the phase of engineering. The completeness of engineering gives way to the phase of construction. The completeness of construction gives way to both tenants and continual maintenance of the structure.
Okay so how does that apply to me?
I had not completed the things of where I was in order to be in the place I needed to be. Consider how the Divine continued:
Now what this means is
So the Divine is going to provide me with an explanation of what it meant to me. The Divine continued:
that in the coming days,
Those days would have been the ‘coming days’ that followed the date of that prayer. The Divine continued:
you will be visited, your heart will know.
Oddly, kind of makes me think of the three ghosts of Christmas and how they visited the old man to change him.
How was my heart visited? One was a dream, which I will tell, when the day of that dream arrives. Another is my continual prayers, which I will share in due course. Another, although not written down, had to have been my continual meditations during that time period.
With that in mind, consider how the Divine continued:
Nothing severe, nothing wrong,
So in a sense, that which visited my heart would be beneficial in a good way. The Divine continued:
but you will come to know the direction you’re supposed to take.
Back at the time of this prayer, I still did not know what I was going to do. At the time of this prayer, I was still days away from understanding that I would pen “My Story”.
Yet, the Divine continued:
This is good. This is necessary. Life must become. Follow your heart. Amen.
So even though at the time of the prayer I didn’t know what was going to happen, I was encouraged to understand that what I would experience would be good and necessary.
The crazy thing is, it was good for me to write “My Story” for in putting proverbial ‘pen to paper’ my mind has been able to wrap itself around my experiences. In that sense, it was necessary, for in doing the research and the writing, I have found understanding of my heart.
However, doing this is also necessary because had I not written the narrative, I probably would still be wrestling between my mind and heart.
So writing has helped me see and that has helped me develop myself into the person I need to be in order to follow my heart.
It’s a long arduous process that, for me, had to be taken. Others probably will never have to experience such things, but maybe they do in their own ways.
For me, today, in this acceptance of me, here’s what all of it means to me. I prayed to the Divine, asking for something worth my life, worth my blood, my soul’s blood. I knew I needed something, because the life I was living wasn’t bringing my soul life-giving blood.
But then after moving back to Texas, I experienced things contrary to those things instilled in my being and contrary to how I was expecting my life to unfold.
The issue for me, was not that I couldn’t understand what was happening, not per se, because I eventually came to understand. The issue was that in chasing that which I understood would foundationally, forever, change my life.
Sometimes being ‘fine’ isn’t good enough. Sometimes we need ‘extraordinary’.
To achieve that, one has to be willing to let go of many things, because extraordinary is the very components of that word.
The prefix ‘extra’ meaning ‘outside’ or ‘beyond’.
The stem ‘ordinary’ meaning ‘commonplace’.
So the very word extraordinary means outside of commonplace or beyond commonplace. That is exactly where I am taking my life, because that is where the leading takes me.
For me, I knew down in my gut, my heart of hearts, that ordinary was not enough. But I wrestled to accept that I would walk away from the commonplace in order to find a life that is extraordinary.
Some want to believe that extraordinary cannot exist, but it can. But to find the extraordinary requires something.
It requires facing the fear of leaving the commonplace, accepting that we have only this time and this place to make the leap from ordinary to extraordinary.
Mistakes are made. And some think that realism accepts that love hurts people and lets them down.
But love doesn’t have to let people down because that is the ordinary. Extraordinary love is salvation, a place of respite and nurturing – that is the extraordinary.
In the pursuit of the extraordinary, some have thought that I am aiming to hurt myself. My response, the extraordinary cannot be achieved by ordinary means, so if I have to open myself to hurt, so be it.
There is a moment in another film, where an actor did their own stunt work. The actor was free climbing the face of a cliff, and notices that to ascend requires a change of direction. The actor leaps from one cliff side to the other, lands, but slides and finds themselves hanging on the cliff side. The actor, the character too, collects their thoughts, finds the ability and continues to ascend, reaching the summit.
The scene is true. The actor did that stunt. The film’s director was horrified. The actor, though, was confident. So the actor did the extraordinary, making an epic film moment.
Why? Because that’s what we do. We take the calculated leap, hoping, praying that we make it to the next cliff’s edge.
Otherwise, we miss and fall, wondering the entire way down ‘why did I jump?’ to where we meet our demise, drowning in the ordinary.
So here I am, after so many long Installments, discussing the various experiences of the last few years of my life. I have made the leap, and I am praying that I land where I’m aiming.
But before “My Story” is done, I have a few more things to tell.
Blessings and Shalom