Installment 154

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So here it is, the wrapping up of “My Story“. There was a time I thought it couldn’t get here fast enough. I also thought that the final Installments would easily fall into place, well, that didn’t happen as easily as I had expected.

The previous Installment was published December 9, almost one week ago. All I can say is that in the last ten to fifteen days, things have not, not, been as easy as I had expected, wanted, or desired.

What has occurred during those days? Well, my phone was lost. I had several small headaches pop up like unexpected work on the Mazda RX-8. Mixed in were some intense arguments with Mary where I threatened to terminate our relationship. I questioned myself, my life, its meaning, my purpose. And now, I sit writing.

I don’t share that to brag or boast, or moan and complain. I am sharing it, because I expected the wrap up of “My Story” to be stellar, easy, wonderful, a party, so to speak. It has been anything but that.

What have I learned? It’s me. I am my own biggest problem. Here’s what I mean.

I have written, at length, about the last five years of my life. I have shared where I believe my life is going and why. I have also shared that I wrestled with it, doing many things to derail that progress.

Well, the last few days have been havoc, a whirlwind of dilemmas, personal struggles, relational confrontations, vehicle failures, lost personal devices, headaches, blah, blah, blah. It feels that if it could be thrown at me, it was. It sucked.

What I found is that it was me who was creating the headache.

Look, we’re going to have difficulties in life. That should go without saying. There is no ‘safe space’ in life, because life will find you and let life happen.

You think you have a moment to relax, or you plan something out, and bam! something happens – unexpected, failing to meet our expectations.

So in this latest moment of self-discovery, there was self-loathing, self-hating, and self-destruction. Blessed be the name of Jehovah that the Divine is far more patient with us than we deserve.

For the nth time, I wanted to throw it all away. This time, I nearly did.

You want to know what I have found in during this process? Loneliness. That’s right loneliness.

When I have had struggle points, Mary is there, but she is not a husband, she is a wife, so, to no fault of her own, she can’t have the perspective of husband, and can’t give me feedback through the lenses of husbandhood.

When I have had struggle points, I pray. I seek help. I want help. But the Divine is not human, and let’s face it, human struggles seem untouched by the Divine.

Early in my experience with the things in “My Story” I reached out to peers, ministers, friends, family. I wanted to find someone who would actually listen to me, hear what I had to say, empathize, sympathize. In those experiences, I found that I was doing all the talking, all the explaining, finding no help.

I grew tired of constant negativity and withdrew from those voices. They provided no help, none. Why? They could not envision the issues. They could not accept the issues as possible. Thus, well, I retreated into my own, but kept trudging forward.

Around Installment 150, I began feeling confident, almost assured that what I was sharing was not only positive, but actually going to happen.

But then this month, December 2016, and the month is not yet over, I had three major dreams, several prayers, several specific leadings, along with the tension points, which culminated in a moment of instability. Blech!

Not where I expected to be in my final moments of “My Story“.

So allow me to share the last few days, not to discourage my reader, but to reveal that when one becomes aware of the surroundings, one can process things in a different way, but sometimes (many times?) it takes an outside human voice to help you regain your focus.

Back on December 6, 2016 (Month 9 Day 7) I wrote in my journal the following:

Yesterday, Mary went with [her work team] to Grand Prairie. This morning I awoke at my 6.27am alarm, called her, we spoke a few minutes.

Don’t recall when but I was led to understand that I need to go back to sleep because there was something that the Divine wanted to share.

So I went back to sleep, and during that time I was given a dream. I wrote in my journal:

I dreamed about a man, younger I think, that was getting pushed (bullied) around by another man, possibly older than the younger. The younger was just timid and not wanting to confront the other man. For whatever reason, it was in a western movie type setting.

In the dream, I showed the younger man that the only way it was going to stop was to confront the other man, making the other man stop.

The younger man confronted the other man. They got into a fist fight. They fell from a balcony type place. The other man walked away. The younger man died.

I prayed about this dream. The lesson: not all things are solved by confronting that which is accosting you.

When I first had that dream, I was not thinking about myself. I recall sharing the dream with Mary, and with my son. When I shared it, I certainly didn’t share with them, what I came to understand the dream to mean. It would take the events of last five or so days for me to come to understand that dream.

But before I share the meaning of that dream, I share another dream from December 11, 2016 (Month 9 Day 11). I wrote in my journal:

[A friend of mine] was moving and had someone helping him move, it was not me because I was observing the other person, a man, help [my friend]. That man was the driver of a truck, like a big [moving] truck, pulling two large box trailers. Everyone had stopped to eat. After eating, we all resumed the travel to wherever [my friend] was going, with the man driving [my friend’s] possessions in the truck-trailer-trailer.

I was outside, standing across a river basin, but it was a concrete riverbed like for flood control. On the other side was the guy driving the truck, but not doing very well, the three parts, truck-trailer-trailer, where not traveling in a straight line, but each were swerving because the guy was having problems. Something happened, he slid (fell?) onto the shoulder of the road, and the truck-trailer-trailer weight continued to slide sideways and fell into the river bed, and was washed over with the torrent of water.

The man was not rescued, he drowned in the accident, and the things in the truck-trailer-trailer were lost. Later in the dream, I discover because [my friend] told me, I think, that the guy was not too smart for the drive because the man had been drinking and was probably drunk.

When I recorded that dream, I wrote this:

As I was [recording] the dream, it occurred to me that the truck-trailer-trailer might represent me and my part in [my friend’s] life, meaning that he and I are coming to the end of our travels together. That is why I am alive in the dream, yet it seems that the truck represents me with my two wives trailer-trailer. I am alive, but my participation in [my friend’s] life will come to an end, somewhat abruptly.

Well, that understanding was only partly correct. It is correct in the sense that the truck-trailer-trailer represents me when I am the truck, and each trailer represents a wife: husband-wife-wife.

Because the dream had a very distinct and particular person that I was helping, when I was contemplating on the dream, it did not occur to me that my friend was not actually my actual friend. That is the strange thing about dreams, sometimes the images are symbols, such as the truck-trailer-trailer.

As with the young man confronting the other man, this truck-trailer-trailer dream is all about me. These dreams occurred not in a peculiar time, but in a particular time.

Notice that in the dream with the young man confronting the other man, “I was led to understand that I need to go back to sleep because there was something that the Divine wanted to share.”

That is crucial. In the dream with the younger man, other man, and me, all three men represent a part of myself. I am the young man, the other man, and the advisor.

I had advised my younger self (the man heading toward two wives) to confront the other man (the man of one wife).

That is exactly the motif that is taught, stand up to the one who is pushing another around. Well, my one-wife self has been pushing my two-wife self around. I advised my two-wife self to confront my one-wife self.

So my younger self took my advice and confronted the other self. The result, the dream reveals that my one-wife self would take the life of my two-wife self. In essence, the dream reveals what I was doing to myself. I was working against myself, being my own worst problem.

That dream though did not make that kind of sense until after the fallout with Mary which followed my dream about the truck-trailer-trailer.

I had the dream about the truck-trailer-trailer last Sunday, just four or five days ago depending upon how one counts. On the very day of that truck-trailer-trailer dream, I confronted Mary about our life and drew the line and nearly accomplished the truck-trailer-trailer dream.

Like the earlier dream, I am all three parts. My actual friend represents a part of myself. The one observing the truck-trailer-trailer is part of myself. The driver of the truck-trailer-trailer is part of myself. All three represent parts of me.

I am myself, moving from one location to another, moving from one-wife to a location with two-wives. I am helping myself get to where we’re going, so I am the driver of the truck. But I am also observing myself move from one location to the other, observing my behind-the-wheel activity.

From that perspective, the dream cannot be any clearer, if I don’t “sober up” behind the wheel to get a grip on the situation, I will put everything that I have in the ditch and it will be flooded over where I lose everything, myself included.

Now back on the day that dream occurred, I had not yet drawn the line. In fact, I wrote “it occurred to me that the truck-trailer-trailer might represent me and my part in [my friend’s] life, meaning that he and I are coming to the end of our travels together.”

That is how I interpreted that truck-trailer-trailer dream. Only through the events of later that day, and the events of Monday did I come to realize that the dream -just like the dream about the young man- was about me, directly about me, and what I was doing.

On Monday, I was -truly I tell you- ready to throw my truck-trailer-trailer into the ditch and let the waters of life flow over me. It matters not what precipitated the event, that is what I felt like doing.

I was stumped. I was stuck. I surfed Facebook. I found someone I could talk to. That person chatted with me throughout day, through Facebook messages no less.

That person allowed me to express myself, my frustration, my dismay. You want to know something? They were the first person, the first, that actually knew what I was struggling with.

I don’t say that to condemn anyone, but this man had experiences that helped me, perspectives that helped me. I couldn’t help myself, I was too busy fighting myself, and losing.

But not only did that man understand, he himself expressed concepts that resonated with me. The other person, a man, a husband, with more than one wife. Though different, he had similar enough experiences that he understood me, and I understood him.

But perhaps the biggest thing, other than a sympathetic ear, was his discussion about commitment.

We discussed the importance of our commitments to God, and that even if we weren’t fully aware of what was happening when we give God our commitment, commitment is all that matters.

In telling “My Story” I have expressed that I had a difficult time coming to terms with the experiences and what they meant, and that I wanted out of my commitments, even as recently as the last few days.

So I took revelation of the dreams, the confrontation with Mary, the discussion with this fellow, all as signs indicating my present condition, and that sobering up meant accepting the commitments that I had given.

Look, some might actually want the other guy in the first dream to take out the younger guy, and some might actually want the driver to spill the truck into the water.

But here’s the problem, the other guy was pushing around the young man and the advisor knew it, but the advisor gave the wrong advice. My friend in the truck-trailer-trailer dream knew the driver was not operating properly.

In the truck-trailer-trailer dream, one has to accept that it wasn’t just the driver who died, everything that was in the two trailers were lost.

After the lengthy discussion with that gentleman, I gained some clarity of thought, in a sense, I sobered up. I couldn’t let the other man win, but I couldn’t follow the advise of the advisor, and I couldn’t let the driver of the truck throw it all away.

That night, Monday night, I took Mary and we went up town, to a venue not our home, so that we could discuss the heated issues of the previous days. The first thing I told her was that I would not get rid of her, ever, because I had given her my commitment.

In essence, I would hang with her through everything, personality conflicts, disagreements, bad arguments, ugly situations, rude and unbecoming behavior. The only thing I will not endure is infidelity, nor do I believe that she should. Other than that, I am going to do the best I can to work through the nonsense, so that we make it through it, and I told Mary that I would never again mention the concept of leaving her, not ever, I’m here to stay.

Why is this such a big deal? The best I can tell is that for a woman, her biggest fear is that her husband will leave her, for whatever reason.

The last few years have stressed my relationship with Mary in ways I never imagined, and at this point I don’t even have a second wife. But my point is, those stressful moments will not be the same when Rachel arrives, but we as a family will be stressed in ways that monogamous families will never experience.

Irrespective of monogamy or polygamy, many-a-husband has left his wife, and many-a-wife has left her husband. Why? The reasons vary, but the issue remains the same, a failure to keep a commitment. It is the few, the very few that keep their commitment.

I admit it, sometimes I struggle deeply because I’m dismayed and overwhelmed. But I am not the fool who throws his truck-trailer-trailer into the throes of death, even if others desire it of me.

As the driver of the truck, the cargo in the truck, and each trailer and its contents is put into my care. That means my ladies depend on me, which means I will die before I break my commitment to them.

Now, what is of interest to me is a prayer that happened the night prior to the dream about the truck-trailer-trailer. That prayer was during Havdalah December 10, 2016 (Month 9 Day 11).

During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now for tonight, my son know this: she…

At that point, because I was wondering about the direction of the prayer, I recorded into my journal: ‘She’? Really?

The Divine continued:

yes, ‘she’.

It wasn’t because I doubted, it was because the prayer seemed to develop into a direction that I did not expect. The Divine continued:

She has been contemplating you for some time.

That is both good to know and is somewhat unsettling. Here’s what I mean.

I have been contemplating a life with two ladies since, at least, April 2012. At this point, in “My Story” it is clear what I was contemplating.

But to have her contemplate me is interesting. All I have is my prayers. She, on the other hand, has my contemplations, my prayers, my struggles, even articles and presentations that I have given regarding the topic of marriage and the Bible itself.

In essence, she has a tremendous amount of information about me. While I, have my leading. It’s not the same, she is as mysterious to me as the Divine.

Yet, the Divine added:

She has let your words, your thoughts, your heart, sink into and settle into her heart.

That is as profound as it is impressive. I mean think about that.

Having never met her, the things I have expressed, shared, and written have affected her, in what appears to be a positive way. Why? Consider how the Divine continued:

This was no easy task, for she has been betrayed by many, some very deeply.

It was not easy for her to allow me into her heart. Why? Because so many others have either taken pieces from it or broken it.

For a woman to allow a man into her heart is no easy thing. But for a woman who has been heartbroken to allow a man into heart again is as beautiful as it is amazing that she can open herself to vulnerability.

After that, the Divine continued:

Now, for you this means that you must carry through and make good on your word/words, because if you don’t you will be her biggest betrayer, having promised one thing and delivered another.

And what was I considering? To use those words, failing to carry through on my word(s), becoming not only her biggest betrayer, but also Mary’s.

The timing of this prayer, the next morning’s dream of the truck-trailer-trailer, along with the other dream of the young man losing his life, are not coincidental, they are vital elements to make me aware of things going on in my personal life.

As I have expressed elsewhere, I am a slow learner. I learn, but I’m not always the fastest.

But this time was different, as angry and as uninviting as I was to Mary, I did ponder the events, I did try to regain my balance, and reached out for help.

That is something that I had been unwilling to do previously. Why? I’m uncertain. I simply know that I have made my commitments, I am unwilling to break my commitments, and I don’t want to hurt those closest to me, including myself.

And I sure as hell don’t want to be any woman’s biggest betrayer.

I create a lot of questions for people, and give others a lot of consternation. But, at the end of the day, and at the end of the discussion, no matter how difficult it has been or will be, I will be faithful to my commitments.

Before the prayer was complete, the Divine added:

Now for Mary, my daughter Esther, you think that you will struggle, and you will, but not for the reasons you might envision. Take one day at a time, take one moment at a time, this will be okay.

One might think that the Divine was preparing Mary for this expanded relationship that will involve Rachel. I sure did.

But, you want to know something, I think that part of the prayer was preparing Mary for the next day’s events. Because of the situation, I made her struggle. I caused her to struggle with something she could not have envisioned.

I share this because I am revealing my weaknesses not hers. I brought tears and sobs to her that where inflicted through emotional disconnect because I was swerving my truck-trailer-trailer, not paying attention to the greater needs.

Sadly, I did that. I have apologized. I am doing things to clean up that mess.

But here’s the thing, she is becoming a different person, she has her personal expectations, she has her needs, her trailer load of commitments and concerns. She is attached to my truck.

Since we are becoming different people, we have clashed in ways that we might not have in previous years. We are adjusting to each other’s needs, and in that moment, I wasn’t what she needed.

However, like I expressed earlier in this Installment, Monday night I gave her a fresh commitment, a renewal if one will.

In my estimation, the only commitment greater than my commitment to Mary is my commitment to the Divine. To fail the Divine is to fail Mary. To fail Mary is to fail the Divine.

I know that within my being. Yet, I confronted the other man who would rather take my life, than admit his own failure. So I had to back away from the confrontation, and ask for help.

My life is not what others would choose. But it is a life that some have chosen, and I am grateful that there are men that have commitments to the Divine and live a life with multiple women, because not only do they understand the internal heart issues, they also understand what it means to be committed to a covenant that should never be broken.

The odd thing is, in the midst of the hours of Sunday and Monday, I did not reread this prayer, but I had to do exactly what I was told.

In the closing moments of the prayer, the Divine conveyed the following:

Now my son, you must be diligent, diligent to this path, this love, don’t close your heart when you close your eyes.

You see, I thought that was about my future, not the day immediately following that prayer.

I wanted to be diligent, never thought I would be anything but diligent. Little did I know that my emotional world would come crashing down and I would have to dig deep into myself like never before.

It was unexpected, and emotionally brutal. But exactly what I needed, because somehow I emotionally did that very night what I was warned not to do. As I went to sleep, I must have closed my heart.

The Divine warned me, I couldn’t see it. I feel horrible for taking myself and my wife through that moment. I nearly lost a love of my life.

All because I failed to do as I was encouraged to do. Consider that the Divine conveyed:

Live open armed, live open hearted, kiss them, play with them, be jolly, be jovial, be exuberant, never let that love flicker or falter.

At the moment of the prayer, I envisioned one thing. The next day, something else happened.

But in the prayer, the Divine was serious. The Divine was looking for me to understand the gravity of what had been conveyed in the prayer, and especially the last few thoughts. The Divine asked:

Amen?

In the prayer, completely unaware of the coming trial, I replied in agreement: Amen.

The Divine responded with:

Good.

For me, it was another prayer, conveying things about the future, not the next day.

Yet the Divine closed the prayer with something that I had no idea how important it would be. The Divine closed with:

Things change beginning tomorrow. Amen.

“Tomorrow”? I figured it was a metaphoric tomorrow. But not this time. It, quite accurately, was the very next day, and things changed.

I nearly lost everything that matters to me. I can’t ever do that again. The turmoil is too much, and all I saw was the discussionary stages. I hate to think what would have happened if I would have driven my truck-trailer-trailer directly into the raging flood waters of emotion.

I write this Installment not so much as expressing my sadness and regret at those few days, no. I write this Installment to reveal how much I have come to understand that something most precious has been given to me, and I don’t want to ever cause two ladies to suffer because I was irresponsible.

Mary has given me her trust.

The prayer reveals that Rachel has arrived at some kind of trust in me.

I will not fail, because Esther and Rachel matter to God, matter to me, and protecting our relationship from myself matters.

I have been given a glimpse of what I stand to lose. I can’t lose it, because if I did, I might as well dig my own grave.

With my final breath, with my last words, with my last thoughts, with my last efforts, with my everything, I will be faithful.

No hollow threats. No vain words. We will struggle. We will tussle. We will disagree. We have different temperaments, different goals, different personalities.

Each of you, Esther and Rachel, daughters of the Divine, have my unswerving commitment. My personal struggle is done, over, fin. I will not struggle with this ever again.

Why? Because I have been given something priceless, the love of two ladies, and I will do my utmost to help each of you navigate through this world of heartache, give each of you a happy home, a lifetime of joy, and with gratefulness and thankfulness return each of you to the One who gave you life.

God as my witness, Esther and Rachel have my word, my vow, my covenant.

Blessings and Shalom

2016.12.15

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