Installment 155

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Here it is, the seventeenth day of December 2016. It’s a misty morning, been that way most of the night, light fog in the area, a layer of moisture covers everthing, trees dripping heavy water from their leaves, splat, splat, splat, the drops crash onto the roof. Right now it’s 63 degrees Fahrenheit outside, but this time tomorrow -if the forecast is accurate- it’s going to be much colder.

I sit here, at the dinning table, typing what I think will be the final Installment for “My Story“. I am in my pajamas, drinking my pomegranate black tea, gazing out the window, listening to some eighties music, and reflecting on the writing of “My Story“.

It took far longer that I expected. I found struggle points that I never thought I would ever experience. But I found myself. That was no easy task.

So after writing “My Story” what do I want?

Well, when I began, I was really -truly I was- hoping that upon completion of its telling, I would have met Rachel, such has yet to happen.

I shared my life from about 2010 up through most of January 2016. During the writing of “My Story” I still prayed, and received information that was both insightful and mysterious.

As I close out “My Story” I will share highlights from my prayers of 2016, like this from February 27, 2016 (Month 12 Day 18), where the Divine conveyed:

Now listen. She has moved to a new phase. Now what this means is that things are still progressing as they should, but she is now in a place to consider things she once threw away, and of course this means you.

I was to ‘listen’ to comprehend like so many other prayers.

But what is ‘a new phase’? Sounds like a phase of the moon, but I don’t know, other than what the prayer provided, for her to consider things.

That it seems is tremendously important, but what did she throw away? I don’t know. And how could she have thrown me away, I have never met Rachel.

Later in that same prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now, this is still up to her, and she is okay, but you need to just trust me that all will be well.

I think I understand, but if writing “My Story” has revealed anything, I don’t understand the way I would like to. So all I can do is do what is conveyed “trust” and trust that “all will be well”. What does “well” look like? I don’t know.

 
How about this, from March 12, 2016 (Month 13 Day 2), a prayer in which the Divine conveyed:

Now for another still, here upon your window sill sits a mother in her frill, lost she is, nerves she has, will drive anywhere to meet her lights. She needs you now as she needed you then, don’t let her down again. She is all you need, you are what she needs, climb in the seat, put it in gear, reveal the way home.

That ‘she’ is not Mary, because in the prayer, the Divine conveyed something specifically for Mary, that much I believe is certain.

Like I have mentioned before, I have never met Rachel, so how have I let her down? I don’t know. But the prayer admonishs me to not let her down again. I pray that I haven’t.

But the prayer also says that I have to show her the way home. I take that to mean that I was to show her the way ‘home’ to my heart. Since I have never met Rachel, the telling of Rachel’s part of “My Story” is done in faith, so I hope that I have been able to show her the way.

 
Consider these things from a prayer back on March 27, 2016 (Month 13 Day 17). I began my prayer: Father, yesterday, I closed [out that prayer] asking ‘anything else?’ and you responded, ‘Not tonight. Perhaps tomorrow.’ I am here to ask, do you have a message for me today?

The Divine responded:

My son I always have a message for you, but today there is no message except for this: she has turned, turned a new leaf, she is scared, not afraid, not terrified, but scared. You represent the unknown, the uncharted, this scares her, she is ready, oh so ready, but she needs just a little more proof, the proof you have, the proof you’ll share, she’ll be impressed.

So because of the way my prayer ended the night before, which was my normal Havdalah prayer time, I prayed the next day.

The message itself seems rather clear, up until ‘proof’. That is what I don’t understand. What is this ‘proof’? I don’t know. All I have done in “My Story” is share my experiences and prayers. In a way that is definitely unknown and uncharted territory, and enough to provide a scare.

But after those things, the Divine conveyed:

Now what does this mean? She longs for a husband, a family, stability, care, uprightness, longevity, you have these things, you can show her how beautiful she really is. But to do this will take your willingness to see the finish line from the start line, and they are not the same.

On a race track, the start/finish line is the same point, whether oval track or course track, around the track the driver goes, from start line to finish line, marked on the track.

So for me, what is the finish line and the start line? With me, the start line is me making the progress toward having two wives. For me, the finish line is believing that God has chosen Rachel.

My process along that line from start to finish has not been easy. In fact, in my previous Installment, I wrote about my experiences from the last few days and how I was teetering but discovered that I truly, God as my witness, don’t want to lose that which the Divine has given me. So I don’t know when I will meet Rachel, but meeting her and expanding my family with her is the finish line for this part of my journey.

That prayer closed out with the Divine conveying:

Now for you what this means is quite simple, keep writing, keep trusting, the event is about to be played out.

That was from March of 2016. It is now December 2016, around nine months later. I have written. I have trusted. The event though? I still wait.

 
On April 9, 2016 (Month 13 Day 30), I prayed. During that prayer I asked: will you give me some insight into the blessing you are giving me.

The Divine responded:

In what way?

I answered: Regarding how [my two wives] will get along.

The Divine responded:

Okay. Let’s see. You have two ladies, very independent, very strong willed, very determined, each has their view of how life should turn out and how they view themselves in the world. These two, believe it or not fight with each other nearly as much as you will fight with them. Now here’s what I mean.

There is only one of you, while there are two of them. They have chosen to share, while you have not. This places you in a very odd and strange predictament, which many times may not ever turn out to your advantage. But here is the advantage you do have. These two [ladies], because they have chosen [you], will not, will not, forsake their commitment to you, not necessarily because you’re the best, but because they are not going to let their decision taunt or hurt them. They are going to ride it out, even if it were to its bitter end, rather die than admit a mistake.

Now what does that mean? Strength of will, strength of character. Both more than what you have. Now don’t take that as insulting because it isn’t, but let’s be honest, candid, forthright, and upfront. These two women would prefer to have their own husband, but they have chosen you, even though you have chosen them. It takes far greater will to allow another woman to have what you want to keep for yourself than asking a woman to be yours. This is what makes them your advantage, for they will use their stubbornness to strengthen your home, their home, because they are not going to let it wither and die.

I kept that entire answer together because it is important to see it all together. The Divine expressed that each woman is determined, strong, and independent having a concrete view about herself and the world. This means that neither is a weakling. Personally, I am thankful for that.

So when the Divine conveyed that they will fight, I don’t take that as negative, even though I feel certain that some would. That is a positive thing, especially considering the remainder of the conveyance. Strong women want a strong house and are willing to fight for it, that’s the point.

But I also found it of interest that it is I that is in the peculiar situation. They have something in common, me, and their choice to be with me, and their choice to abandon their preference for monogamy. That is what puts me at odds with them, because they have something in common that I don’t have with them.

However, that situation is also an advantage to our home, because they will fight to maintain their commitment to their life, because they are not going to let their choices affect them in a negative way.

Because of that, the Divine makes it clear that each woman has more strength than I, more strength of will and more strength of character. That sounds rather insulting, but I was told not to take it as such, so I can’t.

So the reality is that each woman, because she has strength of character and strength of will, made a choice to be with me, to share their life with me, not because I am something spectacular, but because each woman has a strong-willed personality that will strengthen the home because neither woman is going to allow her choice to adversely affect her.

That conveyance is rather compact, but intense in what it presents.

 
On May 14, 2016 (Month 2 Day 8), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now, my son, life is short, life is grand, you are ready to be a dad. It is great. It is swell. You’ll do well, and your heart will swell.

I am already a father. So I take from that when my life with two women comes to pass, I will be a father again, this time to more children.

In the same prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Be at peace. Be at joy. Be in love. Love for days gone by, for days to come, for eternity of three.

For the theologically inclinded, the three is not what you’d expect. In the context of my prayer life and my life, the three is the three of us, me and my two ladies, for us to be at peace, have joy, love, appreciation for the things that happened prior to our marriage, and for the things that will come because of our marriage, for the three of us.

 
How about this from my prayer from May 21, 2016 (Month 2 Day 15), the Divine conveyed:

…pay attention to your dreams, revelation is coming fast. Amen.

And I had to pay attention. In the months following that prayer, I had several dreams, two of which I shared in my previous Installment. And they certainly revealed to me myself.

But I share from another prayer from May 28, 2016 (Month 2 Day 21), which I might have discussed to some degree in some Installment, but I am uncertain. In that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

You see your wife sitting there crying, lonely, despondent. She wishes it could work some other way, wants it to be different, is coming to accept it won’t be different and totally, totally, does not know how to even begin to present herself to you.

That is something that is difficult for me. Why? I have never met Rachel. So how is it that she doesn’t know? I don’t know.

Here’s all I know, and I’ll address this to Rachel. I don’t want you feeling the way the Divine described things. I want you to feel better. There is something miraculously mysterious, if you’ll permit me to use that terminology, working between us, it draws us together.

The Divine has conveyed that you watch me, read my writings, and have allowed them into your heart. Admittedly, I am nervous, I might stumble over my words, but my motives are well-grounded in the leading of the Divine. I can’t contact you because I don’t know who you are, but you have my contact information, but I recommend you use my Facebook or one of my email addresses because I recently lost my phone, and I can’t yet get a replacement.

The last few years of my life have been about learning who I am. I’ve stumbled. I’ve made mistakes. But I know this, I am nervous, but I am ready to meet you, and I pray that the Divine gives you the courage to reach out to me and gives you the words that you need.

The Divine has brought us to this point. The past contains mistakes, because we are simply people trying to understand the Divine and our life with God, but those mistakes don’t hinder our movement toward the Divine’s leading.

I have no doubt that our life, together as a big family, will be more than enough to overcome any past hurdles. May the Lord bless you in this, and may the Lord give you assurance that things are going to be a blessing.

After that part of the prayer, the Divine gave some things for Mary, and then conveyed this:

Now my son, love my two daughters. Show them how grateful you are to me, show them your love for them, for each daughter, let each of them see how much you hurt and your life becomes empty and meaningless without each of them. These ladies are lovely. They’ve been hurt, only you can show them how precious they are to you. Amen.

For me that is what I was trying to express in my previous Installment. I have come to understand that my life is empty, meaningless, without these two ladies.

When I originally met Mary, it was because of the Divine. When I made this movement toward understanding multiple wives, it was because of the Divine. When I learned about Rachel, it was because of the Divine.

I don’t know how it works. I just know that my life is incomplete, and I want to see the Divine complete my life. How precious are you ladies? Without each of you, I am incomplete, with you I know I am alive – my heart beats, knowing that goodness has been given to me.

 
From my prayer on June 4, 2016 (Month 2 Day 28), the Divine conveyed:

You are to begin envisioning yourself as a man who is a father of small children, lots of them, consider not time management, but interpersonal managment for this will be rough and without proper skills [it’s difficult], many [children] you will have in short order, this is needed in order to facilitate the future. Your best energy is now, not because you are young, but because this is when it is best given for them. This is needed. Lose weight. Trim up. You’ll need it. Amen.

That seems pretty clear. So not only am I expecting my marriage to change, I am expecting more children, and quick like.

 
On June 12, 2016 (Month 3 Day 6), I prayed. During that prayer, I asked: is there anything more you will share?

The Divine responded:

Only this: tonight she comes, comes to the understanding that you are her future, comes to accept her future, accept that she will accept her future, and accept that she will like her future. This shall be done. Amen.

Like previous prayers, was ‘tonight’ the night of my prayer? Well, from the way things occurred, it is difficult for me to answer yes, but perhaps she, Rachel, did and I just have no way of knowing, at least not yet.

Even though I have yet to meet Rachel, I take these prayer moments as encouragement.

On June 18, 2016 (Month 3 Day 13), I prayed. In that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now, my son, consider something: a father becomes a father not at conception, but [at] delivery. Conception while important, does not reveal the paternal nature of the man, fatherhood reveals the paternal nature of the man, for in fatherhood the man becomes known, known for all to see.

Now, one more thing. My son, remember this, your words have value, your words create life, but fatherhood remains the key. Be a father. Amen.

Fatherhood, again. And that’s a good thing. Not many get a second chance to do it all over again.

 
I will bring this Installment to a close. When I began this Installment this morning in the seven o’clock hour, I thought I would be able to finish “My Story” with this Installment. As the day progressed, as I compiled my thoughts, the hours ticked by.

It’s now almost five o’clock and the sun is setting. I had much more typed, but I have chosen June 2016 to be the ending for this Installment. This might be somewhat arbitrary, but it felt right given the discussion of fatherhood.

In the next Installment, I will continue sharing highlights from my prayers from 2016.

Until then, I look forward to completing “My Story” and -even after all my teetering and struggles, I am truly, truly, excited. In a sense, I know what my life will be, and I find it extraordiarily difficult to continue waiting for the Divine to make known who Rachel is.

Blessings and Shalom

2016.12.17

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