Installment 156

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Here it is Monday, December 19, 2016. The last couple of days have been cold, cold for south Texas anyway. But today, the sun is shining brightly, rays bouncing off vehicles and reflecting through my dinning window, almost blinding.

For this Installment, my intention is to provide highlights from the remainder of my prayers from 2016, and it is my hope that this also serves as a conclusion to “My Story“. But if need be, I will publish something akin to an epilogue.

 
On July 9, 2016 (Month 4 Day 3), I prayed, during which the Divine conveyed:

…A day has two parts: a morning and an evening; an evening and a morning, which [happens first] matters not for day requires both, both are needed, just as you need both your wives, neither are the same, each is different, unique to her own way, smell, touch, sound, breath, smile; today, my today, you meet [Feminine Name], you’ve met Mary, you fell in love, you’ll fall in love with [Feminine Name], almost immediately, don’t be afraid of this or ashamed of this, she is the woman you’ve needed to fulfill your heart’s need for two women, together they will assist you and achieve much with you. They are what you need. Now what this means is simple, fulfill them, their needs, and they will retain happiness and remain happy.

A poetic picture, like a full day, I am one who needs two parts, or in my case, two wives.

Like in past Installments, I leave the woman’s actual name private because I want to see how this event plays out in my life.

What is of interest to me is the ‘today’ described as ‘my today’ which should go without saying is the Divine’s ‘today’. The question I have is when does the Divine’s today become my today as well, because I would like to meet this lady.

 
On July 23, 2016 (Month 4 Day 7) I prayed after sunset, specifically during the nine o’clock hour. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now for something more, your son. He has chosen [his girl] and [his girl] has chosen him. … Now for you, with them, simply encourage them to seek me and my guidance, and I will lead them.

I mention that because that is the very night that my son told us that he asked his girlfriend’s father for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

Why is that event significant? My son had not expressed to me or Mary that he was going to ask his girlfriend’s father for his daughter in marriage. My son arrived at the house, about two hours after my prayer time and told us. Shocked? No. But it definitely confirmed the prayer from earlier.

It is little things like that that help me confirm my prayer life. Now what is significant, for me anyway, is that in the same prayer, the Divine conveyed:

For now, consider something else. Your wife is not a China doll, but China has become a part of her that she cannot erase, in fact, if she could she would live there the remainder of her days. To help her, you need to consider the importance of incorporating China into your life, far more than you have, enough that she sees your willingness to reach out. This can be done. Needs to be done. Share with her your willingness to spend time overseas, at least to visit, this is important.

That part of my prayer life is what led me to return to my commentary of Tao Te Ching, which I resumed when the Torah rotation started again. That prayer also encouraged me to purchase some cook books about Asian Cuisine. Am I ready to visit China? Candidly, I’m nervous. So I depend on the Divine for some help, but I’m willing to travel.

As the prayer came to a close, I asked: Anything else Father? The Divine responded:

Only this: love your wives, they are precious… you must incorporate dialogue about China.

Odd. Is it not? What does life hold for me? An adventure. Two ladies. Children. Travel. It will be amazing.

 
On August 6, 2016 (Month 5 Day 2), I prayed. During that prayer the Divine conveyed:

Hear this: my son the time is now for you to hear the voice of your wives. They will help you to achieve more, this more is not in the worldly sense, secular sense… but the spiritual, familial, financial… sense. They want more, for them to have more you need to listen, for you to have more, you need to listen [to them].

So each woman is wanting more. And they want me to help them achieve the more. But I can only help them achieve that more when I listen attentively to their voices, expressing their needs, wants, desires. That is something that I am working on doing, for a man to understand other men is easy, but for a man to understand a woman is difficult, but I am learning to give my best efforts to listen, and listen attentively.

That same prayer closed out with the Divine conveying:

Now for something extra. She has been watching you for some time, intrigued she is, nearly persuaded, but she is torn ‘how do I tell my parents?’ You know, it’s a question to ponder, not just to hear, but to answer. Consider these things. Amen.

The main thing I am considering is how does Rachel inform her parents. Well, that is a great question, because I have no clue as to her relationship with her parents. The main thing that comes to mind is honesty, Rachel needs to let them know where the Divine has led her. The conversation may be difficult, but honest dialogue is best. When the time is proper, I will meet her parents, nervous I will be, but it is proper.

 
On August 13, 2016 (Month 5 Day 10), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine responded:

Now for something else. This wife you keep talking about, this Rachel, do you want her?

Rachel is the lady that I have been writing of in “My Story“. What surprises me is the Divine’s question: “Do you want her?” Maybe it shouldn’t. But taking into account how much I teetered, maybe it should’ve.

It sounds like a blunt question. But it is an appropriate question.

I want Mary. I don’t need her, I want her, because I desire her in my life, flaws, tensions, difficulties, joyful moments and all. Why? Because that is what my heart wants. I love spending my life with her.

Do I want Rachel? Yes. I want her in my life, no matter the challenges that our house might face, I will love spending my life with her.

Why? Because the Divine gives beautiful, precious gifts, and I have been given two.

In the prayer, I replied in a brief affirmative: Yes.

With that, the Divine responded:

Then listen.

Sounds like there are some intense things headed my way, so I had to pay attention to understand. The Divine continued:

To learn of her will take more of your time.

To be certain, the only things I know about Rachel is what the Divine has given. But any reader knows that for a man to get to know his lady, he has to spend time with her, where he can gain an understanding of her and her world.

It is for that moment, that I wait. Until then though, the Divine continued:

This is necessary in order for her to find the courage to move foward into your arms.

“This” refers back to the statement the Divine had just given, meaning, I had to spend more time in prayer, contemplating myself and my life, and continue writing “My Story” while she finds courage.

Courage that she needs because of what the Divine conveyed:

This is harder for her than you think, or believe should even be possible, falling for a married man is dangerous, she should know but that’s not the piont, the point is that making it public in such a profound way is extraordinarily difficult for a woman, this is because she will be seen as a tramp, not your first wife’s problem, but certainly is for your second, something that she has to come to terms with. “Is this a label I am willing to live with?” “Is this something I can do?” Similar to you and how you have to come to terms with how people view you in negativity because of their attitudes.

I have certainly had to wrestle through my own difficulties. One of the biggest issues I had to confront is that many have a misconception of fidelity and that misconception leads them to label me falsely. It was truly difficult for me to accept that such would exist and continue to exist.

It is unfortunate that the Divine reveals this particular conveyance, because I had never considered Rachel to be that. But it seems like it will be a struggle that is unique to her. I can appreciate the difficulty, but I sure don’t want her to feel or believe that I see her in such fashion, because I don’t.

Fidelity within the confines of marriage matters a tremendous amount to me. It’s just so unfortunate that the predisposition of people is to judge and condemn that which they do not understand.

 
On August 20, 2016 (Month 5 Day 17), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

As for tonight, my son, I want something of you.

In my journal, I wrote that I inhaled deeply, and replied: Yes, Father.

The Divine continued:

I want your affection. … Affection is demonstrating devotion. … Devotion is giving your all. … Giving your all is giving your heart, your mind, your soul, your being, your everything to me.

Interesting. Bording on unintelligible, but for the faithful, we can see that coveyance lines up perfectly with Scripture.

However, what is of interest to me is how the Divine continued:

What is missing from your affection?

After I recorded that I took another deep breath, the Divine provided the answer:

Only this: her. You need her. You want her. This her is [Feminine Name], for you to have her requires something more from you, that something more is your completion of your telling of events….

As before, I keep the lady’s name private because I want to see how this plays out in my life.

But what I see from that is that my affection to the Divine is completing “My Story“. I don’t really know how that is, but it seems to be. For me, it defies rationale, but I suppose in that sense the ways of the Divine are not the ways of humanity, and become nearly impossible to fully comprehend.

Before the prayer closed, the Divine gave a conveyance for Mary, but then I asked: Anything else?

The Divine responded:

Only this: She has read every part and wonders what she is waiting on. You must tell her. Amen.

Things like that did keep me on track for writing “My Story“. Why? I have engaged in a task that has required months of dedication, reading, writing, editing, publishing, revealing.

What is she waiting on? Me.

It’s nearing Christmas and Chanukah, it is my prayer that “My Story” comes to the conclusion the leading has been giving.

 
Here is something from my prayer on August 27, 2016 (Month 5 Day 24). As the prayer closed, I asked: Anything else?

The Divine responded:

Son, I love you, and so does she, she knows it, just can’t bring herself to admit it.

That was back in August. It is now December. Have things changed for her? I am uncertain.

 
On September 10, 2016 (Month 6 Day 9), I prayed. I began with a blessing: Blessed are you Jehovah our God, Sovereign of the Cosmos, who encourages his creation to live life.

Later in the prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now for one more thing, she is aware of you in her heart, it stirs, it flutters, it makes her blush. This is good, and needed. This is important.

That prayer was from September. It is now December. Have things changed for her? I’m uncertain. Are things the same? I’m uncertain, because Rachel is not yet here.

 
On September 17, 2016 (Month 6 Day 16), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now my son consider something more, something for yonder shore: merriment is what you make, bake a cake, suffer through that heat, meet you she will, find herself on lover’s sill, it won’t take long and then she’s gone.

From that then, yonder shore is when I meet Rachel. Since I haven’t met her, it seems the shore is still some distance away, but hopefully it is closer than it was.

On that shore merriment takes place, celebrated with cake, but the heat is difficult to understand, perhaps it is the intensity of the moment, I’m uncertain.

Either way, I meet Rachel, then she’s gone. So what does ‘gone’ mean? The Divine continued:

Now gone is not lost, but gone for good. Good for her is good for you, good for you is good for her. Gone is good when good for you, she’s not yet gone, not yet gone for good.

I take from that Rachel is not going to meet me and leave, no. In this conveyance, ‘gone’ means that once she makes up her mind, she going to go with her decision, so in that she’s ‘gone’.

In that same prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now my son her heart is a mix, feels like she’s in a fix. She is, but only for a while more, then she discovers what matters most – life. Life she needs, she’s drowning in sorrow, shows no one, but the blues are heavy, smiles for all, but none for self, she feels distressed, distraught, forlorn and forgotten, but I’ve got her, and you’ll get her.

That was from September. It is now December. Has her situation changed? Has she found life? I don’t know.

All I know is that wearing a smile for others while one’s self is in sorrow is painful. So, I am pleased that the Divine is helping her along the way, the blues make for great music, but experiencing the blues -in a word- sucks.

 
On September 24, 2016 (Month 6 Day 16), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now, my son, I am completely serious, I always have been, your wife to be, Miss [Feminine Name], is watching with sharp eyes, eagle vision, she’s waiting for the finish line. This is important, so finish your work.

First thing I notice is the Divine calling my attention to how serious the Divine has always been, at least with me.

Again, the name remains private, for reasons stated previously. But what gets me, is that based upon that description, she is more than a lurker. It’s like she’s had a frontrow seat to me telling “My Story“. In the sense, that it seems to be exactly as the Divine wants, that seems okay.

But it was conveyed that she is waiting for the finish line, and the finish line is described as my work. I take my ‘work’ to be the telling of “My Story” and that finish line is approaching, quickly.

 
On October 1, 2016 (Month 6 Day 29), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now for something else. You still wonder if [Feminine Name]’s the one. Yes?

I replied: Yes. I do wonder.

The Divine responded:

Why?

I replied: There still is no evidence that her life has changed in order for her to become my wife.

For me, here it is December 2016, the year almost done, that was October, less than three months ago, I still wait.

Because of that question, the prayer dialogue continued, to where I asked: then how is truth ascertained?

The Divine responded:

Belief becomes.

Confused? I was. In the prayer, I replied: Belief becomes what?

The Divine responded:

Belief becomes. So pay attention.

Pay attention? To what? Here’s how the Divine continued:

You had an indellible moment with [Feminine Name]. You rocked her world, put it upside down, shook her foundations, made her rethink and reconsider all that she knows.

For me, I see that, I see myself here in December 2016. What am I to do?

The Divine continued:

You keep moving forward with belief. Believe.

Believe. Sometimes it is really difficult to believe. As I shared in Installment 154, I recently had a dream about losing it all. In the face of not having evidence, dreams that reveal to me that I could lose it all are what compel me to move forward.

 
On October 8, 2016 (Month 7 Day 16), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now my son, you often think of [Feminine Name], and that is good.

My life. What can I say? I look forward to the finish line.

The Divine continued:

Her mind is a toss, conflicted, disjointed, discombobulated, distorted, she truly is distracted, distracted by you, this is good,

It seems then, that this lady is about as tossed about as I have been. That itself is interesting.

The Divine continued:

but it is also damaging,

Why? Consider how the Divine continued:

because to her there is no choice,

Is that not exactly our lives? Somehow we get into a situation and we feel that there is no choice. Well, as it has been said to me, there is always a choice, but with choices, some doors will no longer remain open.

Consider how the Divine continued:

she likes you,

I think that might be the first time I received that kind of leading from the Divine. You want to know something, it felt good. But, and I mean but, the Divine continued:

but can’t bring herself to love you because she doesn’t know if she can bring herself to free herself from her obligations and strings and attachments, and she has many, to cut them, to her, equals death.

I can’t speak for her, so I won’t.

I simply want to express that conveyance represents the concepts that I too struggled with, because that is exactly what I believed and felt. I think it took the recent dream of me losing everything to realize that my other life obligations, strings and attachments were not more important than my life with two ladies.

She is not certain she can make that decision.

For what it’s worth, I too thought I couldn’t make the decision.

The Divine continued:

She is torn, forlorn, run amuck in her mind, this is good.

It might be good, but I’ll tell you when your in it, it doesn’t feel good. It feels like it will never end.

I have forseen her decision to break free, but with all things the choice remains hers.

The Divine can foresee many things, but things can only come to pass when one chooses to go where the Divine can foresee. Not easily done when one feels that their life will come to an effective end.

She has my empathy. Decisions are difficult.

The prayer continued on and the Divine conveyed things concerning Mary. But before the prayer closed, the Divine conveyed:

Now for this, my son if you mistreat my daughters, I will bring your life to ruin, you know this, ruin far worse than you could possibly imagine or bear. Therefore consider that their beauty, their majesty, their longevity, their dedication is not only mutual, but necessary, and from you they expect one hundred percent devotion to their needs, no one else’s, save taking care of their children.

Brutally candid. But proper. And I don’t want my life to be in ruin.

 
On November 12, 2016 (Month 8 Day 12), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

My son, you will be amazed at what I tell you.

Candidly, personally, many times I find myself amazed at these prayers, but I think that is the first time that the Divine has expressed such.

The Divine continued:

Today, this very day,

Timing is something that I don’t fully understand. So this is an indication that it was not a metaphoric day.

The Divine continued:

she has fallen,

Sounds bad. The Divine continued:

fallen for you. This is what I mean. Through her tears, she sought me. Through her heartache, she sought you. The manner in which you present the information has surprised her, amazed [her], know things you should not.

Not sure what to say. I have simply tried to convey what has happened to me during the last few years.

The Divine continued:

But, she has not spoken of this to anyone, she will in the coming days. In doing that, she will not speak ill of you, instead she will speak of you from wonderment, amazement, hope. You have become her beacon, her shore, this is needed.

And that is amazing. I do stand in wonderment.

That prayer was just over one month ago. So what where the ‘coming days’? I ask because I am uncertain.

But it is good to know that I am needed.

 
On November 19, 2016 (Month 8 Day 19), I prayed. During that prayer, the Divine conveyed:

Now for this… life in abundance. Your days of weary woe are about to unfold into enjoyful abundance.

Want to know something? I long for that.

The Divine continued:

Now for you, you will experience fatigue, but it will be a rewarding fatigue. So shape up.

Another moment were I am told that I need to pay attention to my physical conditions, and be healthier.

The Divine continued:

Now for you this means that laughter and joy will fill your day. In the meantime though, you wait, wait just a while longer, the time is drawing near, and near, a nearer still, oh boy is it.

So somewhere in my future days, it is going to be truly rewarding. Until then, I have to wait, but it appears that the days of laughter and joy are making their way closer.

The Divine continued:

Now for you, you are about to complete your task. … Amen to your work, it has achieved its purpose.

That was about one month ago. I think this Installment finishes “My Story“. Has it accomplished its purpose? In time, the Divine will reveal.

 
Somewhere in the last few Installments, I have written about things in December 2016, so I will not include them here. Instead, I will offer some closing thoughts.

First closing thought. Telling “My Story” has helped me gain a better perspective on my experiences, where I failed, where I succeeded, where I changed, where I am better, why I am who I am.

Second. I find it impressive the amount of emotional and spiritual pressure I experienced during the last few years. I also am impressed that I withstood so much pressure, when I realized few could be or would be willing to offer their emotional and spiritual support.

Third. I find that I had to learn to really trust the Divine, and trust my wife. That might sound horrible, but until the last few years, I hadn’t realized how much trust I had put not only in myself but also in those around me. These experiences have time and again shed things that were unhelpful and that compelled me to seek out the Divine and that guidance.

Fourth. This is about trust. I had to learn to trust what I was experiencing. I had to learn to trust that it was for the good. I had to learn to trust that things will be okay even amid me not being able to see anything. I had to learn to trust that my wife, and wives, will be here because of their choices and to trust that they are emotionally and spiritually mature and will be successful in this marital endeavor.

Fifth. I had to learn that my wives need to be able to trust me. This means, first and foremost, that a woman, or in this case women, who trust the Divine absolutely -as best as they can anyway- want to trust their husband. The world is filled with untrustworthy people and things, but ladies who put their faith in the Divine also want to be able to trust their husband, in this case – me.

Sixth. I have had to experience these things to reveal where my heart is, where my devotion is, where my dedication will be. At times, I teetered, not knowing what I myself would do. But time and again, prayers, dreams, mediations, all that and more, brought me to the same conclusion – I want this life, and I believe the Divine has led me to it. That doesn’t mean I didn’t make my mistakes, but I came to believe in the Divine’s interactive leading. That was no easy thing to do.

Seventh. I have made a journey that is mine. It allured me. It changed me. I am different. I am better. I am not the man my parents expected, nor what Mary’s parents expected, but I am dedicated, and I’ll be damned if they will influence me away from my life. I promised Mary that through good times and bad, we’d be together. I give that same promise to Rachel. It might have taken me years to arrive at this decision to have two wives, but my decision to live this life is no different than my Degrees, when obtained, they cannot be unobtained. In other words, my ladies have my promise that I will never abandon them, God as my witness.

Eighth. As for Rachel, I hope one additional thing provides you any additional help, if it is needed. I am believing that the Divine is leading me to you -the proper lady who will become part of my life and bigger family; admittedly, it has taken me some time to come to that trust. I simply want to encourage you to listen to the Divine, and to trust that the Divine will lead you to the proper guy to be your husband -me- and that because the Divine is leading you in this, there is no way that the Divine would let you down, because the Divine cannot lie and the Divine will always be faithful. This makes the Divine trustworthy.

Ninth. I have learned that without Mary, I would not have made it to where I am. Up until these last few years, I had trusted advice from others more than I had ever really trusted Mary’s advice. These few years have taught me a great deal about trusting her. It finally became clear to me that I could trust her, not because I can trust her, but because the Divine has put Mary in my life for my benefit. That means that the Divine is wanting me to have confidence in her, confidence that she is for us, for herself, and for me, and will be for Rachel, and for the new us.

Tenth. Without doubt, relationships are tested. Here’s what I found about mine. It did not fail. Instead, it thrived. Oh, it had its low points. But we overcame, through prayer, devotion to each other, and dedication to our life. Prior to this, I have never experienced such dramatic testing in my marital life. Here is what it taught me: neither Mary, nor I, want our relationship to fail, we struggled to come to terms with the direction of our marriage, but once understood, she has been unswervingly dedicated to that direction. The Divine has been gracious to reveal to me what I would lose, God as my witness, I will not allow that to be lost, I will be there for both Mary and Rachel, I will not allow our relationship to fail.

To express that concept in another way, I refer to an animated movie about toys. It’s the second film where the cowboy finds the cowgirl and the cowgirl sings a beautifully painful song about how she lost the girl who once enjoyed having her cowgirl toy. That pain is extraordinary, but it also reveals the thing that almost all women fear – abandonment. That cowgirl did not want that cowboy to abandon her. Rachel, I will not abandon you, no more than I could abandon my Andy, who represents my Mary.

Our life together as three will be unique, and it will offer its unique challenges, but I will be unswervingly dedicated and faithful. I look forward to our life together and I look forward to finally meeting my Rachel.

May the Lord bless us in all things. Amen.

Blessings and Shalom

2016.12.19

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